


Save Him

by ms_tantrum



Category: VIXX
Genre: Domestic Violence, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8636176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_tantrum/pseuds/ms_tantrum
Summary: I tear my gaze away from Leo's face to his outreached arm down to the trembling hand pointing a gun directly at me. I know that I won’t make it out of this room alive tonight and I can only hope that someone can save him before it’s too late. I close my eyes and say one last prayer... Save him, save him from the hand that he beats me on..





	1. Abandoned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the photos used in this fic. All credit to owners.

_12/20/2005 Leo’s pov_

For as long as I can remember I’ve never had a real family. I don’t know my father and my mother, my poor mother, has been strung out my entire live.  Many times I’d find her passed out on our roach infested living room floor high or drunk, maybe a combination of the two. As her son it was my responsibility to get her cleaned up and fed. As sick of this routine as I was, I would always help her even though she fought desperately to keep me from touching her. I had long become accustomed to her hitting and screaming about how it was my entire fault. She never failed to remind me of how much she loathed me. Personally I had never done anything to displease my mother. She hated me for being me, for having a nearly identical face as the man she wanted to forget. She simply hated me for being born. I knew her anger wasn’t really directed at me but at the man that had stolen her heart, her innocence, and her life; then abandoned her when she needed him the most. I knew deep down, as my mother she had to love me, she just couldn’t remember through her drug induced haze.  I understood the pain she must have felt when she looked at me so I took whatever she dished out. 

A year ago she began selling me to her boyfriends, telling me it was the least I could do after destroying her life. I had lain with these vile men promising myself that she would love me if I did, yet she only closed the door and pretended not to hear my screams. Soon enough I became used to this treatment, sometimes though, it got to be too much, the men got too rough and had to fight my way from under them. Once they had left  I sobbed crawling to my mother hoping for comfort but receiving slaps and insults instead.

Now a year later I no longer cried, I no longer sought out comfort from my mother. I complied when I could and fought when I couldn’t.  Fighting had become part of my everyday life it seemed. This night was no different than the rest, my mother passed out on the couch while her new boyfriend snorted something off of the table. I had just come back from the grocery store using what little money I’d managed to snag before she spent it all of her drugs.

 As I began putting the food away, her boyfriend stumbled into the kitchen watching me with glassy unfocused eyes. For the longest time he said nothing, just the occasional sniffle reminding me of his presence. I hated him, him and all the other men that would come and use my mother and abandon her when they got bored. They were all the same and he would be no different.  I stilled as he staggered over to where I was standing.

“Taekwoon,” he slurs, “Taekwoonah~ .Ya know, for a boy you certainly are pretty,” he whispered in my ear, breath pungent as it wafted across my face and I closed my eyes knowing what was coming. My hands balled into fits as he pressed his body against my backside and started running his filthy hands over my body. He started at my shoulders, running his hands down the length of my arm then moving to my chest and abdomen, eventually moving under my shirt to rub at my nipples. I began shivering in disgust as his moved now to my lower half, his hands running over my hips and thighs as he started rutting against me. “You have such a nice body. Did you know that? You have no idea how bad I want to fuck you. The only reason I stuck around your druggie mother was too get to you and holding you my arms now I think it was well worth it.” 

At the mention of my mother my eyes snapped open and my shivering stopped, 

"What did you say,” I asked turning and pushing him away from me “You will not talk about my mother like that. You need to leave. Now!” He stood there stunned for a moment before regaining his composer. That bastard laughed as he made his way back to me, 

“Oh but it’s true. Everyone knows that she’s nothing but a strung-out junkie who’ll let you fuck her son for a quick hit. She’s pathetic; no one in their right mind would want her. It’s you they come for. Now why don’t you be a good boy and bend over for me.”

After that I’m not sure what happened as if I blacked out, it’s like everything was moving so slow yet going extremely fast. I could feel myself screaming as a lunged at him, I felt my fists connecting with his face repeatedly even after he’d stopped trying to fight me off. I felt someone pulling at me trying to get me from on top of the man but all I could see was red. I wasn’t until my mother slapped me that I realized she had been begging me to stop.

Once she pulled me from sitting atop of his chest and on to the floor, we all sat in almost silence, me panting still glaring at her boyfriend, him wiping at the blood coming from his nose. Finally I look over to my mother who is silently crying “Get out,” 

She whispers, “I heard it all. Everybody is right, I’m useless and they only reason they come to me is for my son.”  I open my mouth to tell her it’s not true and ask the man why he wasn’t leaving but quickly shut it as she repeats herself, now looking at me, “I said get out. It’s all your fault. They leave me because of you. No one wants me because of you! Get out. Get out now, and don’t ever come back.” 

She pulls me up to my feet and pushes me to the door and I plead with her not to do this. I apologize for things I know I’m not responsible for, I make promises that I know won’t make a difference, I try everything I can think of just so she won’t leave me all alone. “Where will I go, what will I do? I need you mother. I love you.” 

She stops pushing me and I think that I’ve finally gotten through to her until she turns to grab a pen and a piece of paper off of the table. It doesn’t take her long to finish writing before she hands me the paper with a name and address written on it.

“It’s time for you to fuck up someone else’s life,” she says pushing me the rest of the way out of the door, “that’s the best I can do for you” and before she can shut the door completely I ask who she’s sending me to and she pauses and answers me bitterly, “He’s your father.” 

I stand there long after the door has been shut and locked feeling completely dazed and bit dumfounded. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Firstly, thank you so much for reading Save Him. This story it based on the song Save Him by Justin Nozuka. I highly recommend listening to it!
> 
> There will be a bit of back and forth between dates so to avoid confusion, please pay attention to the dates at the beginning of the chapters.


	2. Nightmare

_4/15/2013_

Hongbin POV

Panting, I kick, trying to release myself from the vice like grab that pins me down. Too many times I’ve found myself in this position; helpless, confused, hurt and being abused at the hands of someone I love. dearly.  I open my mouth to scream, to cry to beg for mercy but nothing comes out. No longer thrashing I realize, I can’t move a single muscle as if in addition to the man sitting on top of me, there is an invisible force holding me stagnant and panic began setting in. I resume fighting, trying desperately to move, to scream, to stop what I know is coming. Body still frozen, I can’t do anything but watch as the man brings his hand, balling into a fist, up aiming for my face again. Faintly I hear him murmuring something repeatedly that I can’t quite make out. His fist is descending and I swear I could feel myself screaming; yet I lay completely still as he beats me. He stops punching to lift me off of the floor to shake me, still muttering what I now hear is my name. He’s telling me to wake up he says I’m having a nightmare and to wake up.

“WAKE THE FUCK UP!!” My eyes fly open as Hakyeon keeps shaking and screaming at me. A dream, it had been a horrible dream, a nightmare. “I’m up, I’m awake,” I wheeze out still feeling panicky and terribly shook up.

“Good Lord, you had me scared for a moment.” The expression on his face tells me I had, indeed, scared him, “Was it the one about Ken again?”

 I shake my head not trusting myself to speak just yet. I see the worry etched across his face so I try my best to smile and brush it off as just a random nightmare. I know he doesn’t believe me, he knows I’m lying but he doesn’t push the matter any farther as I roll out of the bed. I stretch my arms above my head, trying to rid myself of the feeling of sleep paralysis.  He asks again if I’m sure I’m okay and again I give him a smile and a nod.

“Alright then, come out for breakfast when you get done dressing. We have to be at work soon.” He gets up and walks out of my room closing the door behind him. I feel bad for lying to him, I really do, but there are just some things I’d rather not talk about. Even if we’ve been best friends for five years now, my father and the things we’ve endured was something I wanted to forget. Maybe one day I’ll have enough courage to talk about it but until then, Hakyeon and I both pretend like there’s nothing wrong. As I go through the daily motions of dressing and preparing for the long day ahead of me, I can’t help but to think about Hakyeon and our not so conventional meeting.

**A/N: Possible trigger warning. (non descriptive) drug use and prostitution ahead.**

_2007_

After a long and painful night of sleeplessness my father comes into my room, his face is the epitome of sorrow. It’s a face I've long become familiar with. This is nothing new. My father goes into one of his fits, beats me sensless, then he’s here. Apologizing. This night was no different.

“I love you so so much” he always starts his apologizes, “I know I do horrible things to you, things you don’t deserve and I can’t explain why.” Again something I already know. While he’s in a fit, he seems to have no clue who I am. The only thing he knows is that I’m here to take away his beloved again, I am the grim reaper and he must protect his little boy at all cost. If only he understood the monster he fears doesn’t exist, that same evil he’s fighting is the same little boy he’s trying to protect.

“I’ve decided to get help. There is something wrong with me. So very wrong.” I stare blankly, hearing these word many times. I know he’s right, that there is something wrong with my father, something darker and deeper than grief. The death of my mother only kick starting it. I caress his face and lie, the same as I have been since I was 10 years old. “It’s ok father, there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just mourning the loss of mom.” I’ve told these lies to him for so long I’m not sure if I actually believe it or if I’m just saying it for his sake.  Either way, this time wasn’t like all the others. My father looked me in my eyes, and he cried.

Not just a tear filled regret, nor a sorrow filled grievance, no. For the first time since her death, my father cried for the loss of himself as he clung to me. It took me years to understand that when my mother died, my father died with her. When he told me he was going away to get help and that I would be on my own, I didn’t know how to feel.

Somewhere along the way I became angry.

Coming from a small family that didn’t have much to begin with, being abandoned left me with nothing. After my father disappeared I found myself evicted from the only house I'd ever known. I could feel the anger in me building steadily.  Once I ran out of options, I accepted the fact that I was a street kid now. At the age of 16, I was doing any and everything it took for me to survive.Salvation came in the form of a man named Ken.

Ken was a little bit older than me when he found me sobbing on a park bench. He had given me his jacket and asked if I needed someone to talk to. After my life had finally completely gone to shit, I welcomed his warm embrace as I poured my soul to him.   After that he took me in and cared for me. He gave me clean clothes, hot food and a comfortable bed to sleep in. In the course of three months I found myself madly in love with this angelic like man. That was, until he turned me to the streets to pay off the “debt I owed him for saving my life”. The hell I was living before was nothing compared to the things I went through with him. Ken showed me just how evil the world really is.

The age of sixteen saw me moving and selling drugs for Ken. Nothing major, just small bags of marijuana and maybe the occasional baggie of pills. By the age of seventeen, I found myself “upgraded” to selling harder stuff like meth, cocaine, and heroin. If only that was all.  Ken felt that I was too beautiful to keep for himself and he began selling me as well. Once I stared using the drugs I was selling life became easier for a while. I was able to endure the countless men and women that paid nonsensical amounts of money for just a piece of my soul. It was also around that time that Ken introduced me to Hakyeon or N as he liked to be called. He wasn’t in much better shape that I was yet he took on the role of my protector.

By the time I turned eighteen, I was fed up with it all. I started being reckless, letting men fuck me without protection, taking whatever drugs I could get my hands on. I hated everybody. I hated my father for going batshit on me, I hated Ken for seeming like an angel then turning out to be the fucking devil himself, I hated these clients that didn’t seem to understand that I’m a human and not  just a fuck toy to be used  and

disposed of, and most of all I hated Hakyeon. I hated him for constantly staring at me as if he was trying to pick apart my entire being. I hated the way he always smiled and talked to me as if I hadn’t just told him to fuck off and leave me alone. I hated the way he seemed to be the only person to understand what I was going through. I fucking hated how he held me through a bad trip or a rough client. I hated how much I had started to need him.  I didn’t realize how much I needed him until I overdosed one night.

Everything was spinning. I could feel the sweat seeping through my clothes as my body trembled. I knew what was happening and I welcomed it. I could hear Hakyeon yelling for Ken when he found me convulsing on the bathroom floor with a belt still tied around my arm and a needle on the floor. I must have blacked out because the next thing I could make out was Hakyeon and Ken arguing.

“….just dump him in the alley. I’m sick of this shit. He’s not bringing in much money anymore anyway. Nobody wants to fuck a skeletal pin cushion.  At this point he’s costing me more than he’s worth.”

I could hear Hakyeon speaking from above me. When had he put my head in his lap? “I’m not just gonna ditch him like a wounded animal Jaehwan, he’s dying! He needs help! I’m calling an ambulance.” I could feel N moving around under me, presumably looking for his phone. He went deathly still at the sound of a gun cocking.

“No. You aren’t calling anyone. I will not have you risking me facing jail time for a fucking drug addict prostitute. You want to save him so bad then, fine. You take him and you get the fuck out. Don’t come back and if my name comes up in anything, you’re both dead.  Got it?”

Hakyeon shudders and whispers that he understands. It’s not until Kens command for us to get the fuck out of his sight that I register N lifting me off of the floor. He half carries me out of the house and into the street where we make the fairly short trip to the emergency room. The last thing I remember hearing is him apologize and promising that he’d save me.

 

Four years later and he’d done just that. After I’d been admitted into the hospital, Hakyeon was right by my side. Still I didn’t understand why, but every time I asked, he would brush it off with a simple, “because I care about you,” and change the subject. He had told me that he enrolled me into a rehab program and once I was released, that I would be living with him from now on. I protested, naturally, at first about how I didn’t need him or his help. Overtime, I stopped lying to myself and allowed myself to get better.

Now we were both clean and still living together.  I still don’t understand why he stuck by me when everyone else left, but words could never explain how thankful I was to have a best friend like Hakyeon.

I am snapped out of my memories by N calling me down for breakfast. I quickly finish dressing and head downstairs. Hakyeon is already sitting at the table eating when I enter the kitchen. I can tell by the look in his eyes he’s still worried but he offers me a smile and says nothing. I decide to try to ease his mind by returning his smile with one of my own and I join him in eating breakfast.

I groan thinking about the long work day ahead of us, “uuuhhh, I hate working Saturdays. It seems like all the assholes decide to come to our restaurant.”

Hakyeon makes a sound of agreement “Yeah, I’d have to agree. Luckily I’m on kitchen duty all night.”

“Lucky you. I’m serving until Hyuk comes in tonight then I’m on bar duty.”

“Well damn. That does suck. Maybe tonight we won’t be flooded with drunken assholes for once.”

I highly doubt it though. We have been working at that restaurant long enough for me to know every weekend is the same. During the day, it’s fairly normal. Business men having a meeting over lunch. Rich city girls coming in for drinks and gossip. The occasional jerk complaining about everything, demanding to see the manager hoping for free food. That I could handle.

What I hate the most is the Saturday night crowd. Our high end restaurant turns into more of a lounge for the rich and asshole-ish. To make matters worse, Hakyeon and I needed some extra hours at work and this was the only time we could get them.

I groan again and lower my head to the table. Hakyeon laughs and pats my head,

“There there love. Come on, we still have a few hours before we have to be in, let’s watch a movie or something.”

I get up and follow him to the living room, leaving the dishes, and work related thoughts to deal with later.


	3. Never Again

Leo’s Pov

_12/20/2001_

I stood staring at the door for at least an hour. What the hell had just happened? This was a joke, right?  I stood there waiting for her to open the door again, to call me back inside. Once the lights in the house went out, I knew I would never step foot inside of my home again.  Dejectedly, I walk away swallowing the sobs building up in my chest.

I walk aimlessly, mind blank, for hours and hours until I feel my body shivering. It was only then I realized it had begun snowing. The layer of white covering the ground informing me that had been snowing for a while. I reach to pull my jacket around my body before I realize that I’m not wearing one. I look down at my body and see that I am only wearing an old t-shirt, faded jeans and my house sippers. Everything suddenly rushing back to me makes my head spin for a moment. I lean against the nearest building as I try to stop the vertigo.

It was real.

Everything that had taken place tonight was real. I could feel my heart beating rapidly as my chest felt like it was nearing explosion. My breaths come out in short pants as the tears finally made their way down my face. Once they started, I felt that they would never end. The only person I’d ever know was gone. She didn’t want me. I knew she didn’t like me but I had thought she at least loved me enough to never leave me. Why doesn’t she love me? How could she abandon me?

Why me? _Because you’re nothing._

At that thought, the sobs that I fought so hard to keep down ripped from my chest and into the freezing night air. My quiet weeping turned into full out bawling at a question I had been asking myself for as long as I could remember. Why me? Why was I given this life?

_Because you deserve it. You are a horrible person; you don’t deserve to be loved. This is all your fault._

I snap my head up and look around, finding myself nearly alone. The voice that had spoken to me had sounded as if someone was sitting right next to me. I brush it off as I wipe at the tears still falling from my eyes and stand up. Sitting here crying will get me nowhere and the temperature feels like it’s dropped well below freezing. I pull the crumpled piece of paper from my pocket and read the address written on it.

_193 Widow Peak Ln. Jung Woosung._

I have no idea where the hell Widow Peak is. I check my other pockets hoping for cab fare; I have nothing.  With no money and nowhere to go, I feel myself start to cry again. I began walking aimlessly again staring at the ground, willing it to open up and swallow me whole. Lost in my miserable thoughts, I didn’t notice the man stepping out of one the stores and walked straight into him. I look up and apologize for bumping into him and began walking away. He stands there for a moment before running up after e and placing his hand on my shoulder.

“Are you alright? You look like you’re freezing” I shake my head and continue walking until he walks up to me again.

“Come on, you seriously look like your about to pass out. Do you need a ride somewhere?” I take in the man’s face. He’s young, probably early 20’s, and has a kind smile adorning his face. He’s quite attractive if I’m being honest.

“I’m Kiseop” He smiles and extends his hand for me to shake. I take it after telling him my name.

“Oh my God you are freezing. Come on my car is right here and it’s already warm. Even if you don’t want a ride you should at least warm up for a bit.” I follow him, apprehensively. When we arrive at his car, he opens the door for me and allows me to slide in. As soon as he closes my door I reach for the handle and open the door, making sure I would be able to if I needed to. I close it as he gets in, he laughs but says nothing. I watch him, with my hand still on the door’s latch, as he turns on the seat warmer and turns up the heat for me. We sit in silence for a while before he asks if I have a place I wanted a ride to. I hesitantly hand him the slip of paper my mother had given me.

He takes the paper and reads the address before his eyes go wide.  He comments on how most rich kids don’t run away this far from home.

“Do I look like a rich runaway kid” I ask.

“Well not exactly but Widow Peak is where the wealthy and powerful live. Do you know who lives here? Have you never been to this house?”

I shake my head no and he asks who I’m going to visit. When I don’t answer he smiles and tells me to buckle up and that we had a long drive ahead of us. As we drove further out of town my, grip on the door latch never loosened. Kiseop seemed to notice my discomfort so he tried his best to fill in the silence with random stories and information about himself. I found myself feeling a bit more comfortable riding with him after a while.

He started off asking me simple questions like was my real name Leo, How old was I, did I go to school, etc. I knew the question was coming but it still caught me off guard when he finally asked why I was walking around after midnight, crying in the snow. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tell this stranger but before I knew it, I was telling him the events leading up to me being kicked out and being forced to find a man that is supposed to be my father. He listened to me without making me feel judged for anything and placed his hand on my thigh to comfort me when I started crying again. It was at that moment I allowed myself to let go of the door latch. I realized how thankful and lucky I was to have run into Kiseop.

Except I wasn’t lucky. Not at all.

After about an hour and a half of riding, we were on a road lined with nothing but huge houses. We continue riding past the house and onto a road with trees on both sides. In the distance I could see another house through the trees and from what I could see it was more of a castle than a house. He told me that was the house I was looking for.  Before we made it all the way to the bottom of the road, Kiseop turned onto a street that seemed to take you through the woods. I looked questionably at him and he told me it was to only way to get to the gate, that was hidden to keep outsiders from coming in. I relax and take a deep breath mentally preparing myself to meet Jung Woosung, my father.

Would he believe I’m his son, would he even let me in to tell him who I am. What if I ended up on the street after all? This would have all been a waste of not just my time but Kiseop’s as well. It hits me that I never thanked him for helping me.

“Thank you for everything. You don’t even know me but you went out of you way to bring me all the way here and I’m sorry for crying and everything I know it probably made you uncomfortable.”

He looks over at me and smiles.

“It was my pleasure, no problem at all. Don’t apologize for crying, I completely understand. Besides,” he turned to look at me as he pulled the car over to a stop, “you look so pretty with tears streaming down your face.”

The uncomfortable feeling hit me tenfold as his kind smile dropped into something more, sinister. Something more perverted.

“I’ll tell you the truth Leo-shii, I do feel bad that you’re having such a horrible night, I really do. Initially I stopped you because I thought you’d be an easy score but you looked so terrified, I was going to give up and just give you a ride. Now that I’ve seen your beautiful tear stained face, I can’t help myself. Now, the house you’re looking for is right around here. If you cooperate, I’ll take you the rest of the way. If not, then you’ll be stuck looking for it on foot. Either way, I will get what I want.”

He smiles at me again as he holds a switchblade in front of my face. He tells me to get out of the car so we can move to the back seat.

_Here we go again_

As he opens the door and lays me on the back seat, I hear that same voice I heard earlier,

_No matter where you go you’ll always be nothing but a little whore. You like it don’t you?_

I feel the tears falling again as I whimper a pathetic no. I’m not sure if I was talking to the voice tormenting me or to Kiseop who was leaned over me kissing the side of my face and licking at the tear trails dripping from my eyes.

_This all you’re good for. You just lay there until they're done with you. You like it. You like when they use you and leave you._

I turn my head trying to block it out

_“If you don’t like it, stop it. Make it stop. The knife is right there. Grab it. Kill him.”_

I shake my head to clear the though. As much as I hate him right now I could never take someone’s life.   I can’t do it. “No”

_Do it_

“No”

_Do it_

“NO!”

**_DO IT!_ **

“NO!” I feel myself screaming and thrashing under Kiseop. He lifts himself off of me and staggers backwards out of the car a few steps before he looks down at his bloody shirt. It’s only when he looks at me in shock and pain that I even realize I’m holding the knife. When had I taken it from him? I jump out and run to him putting my hand over the wound in his chest when he collapses.

“Oh my God, what did I do?”

_What you had to. Pull yourself together. He’s dead and the only thing you need to be focused on is getting the hell out of here._

Taking one last glance at the man I had just murdered, I get back into his car. I’m not sure what happened after I closed the door but something in me felt different. The guilt I had about killing another human vanished. For once in my life I didn’t feel like a helpless pathetic child. I didn’t particularly enjoy killing him but I felt justified in doing so. I was sick of feeling powerless and so I never would again.

_Never again will anyone hurt you_

I started Kiseop’s car and carefully backed up, careful not to run him over. I’d never driven a car before but the gps in the car told me that he had been telling the truth. The house I was looking for was just down the road. I make my way to the large castle like house without giving Kiseop another thought.

I had bigger things to worry about once I pulled up to the gated house.

There were several men in black suits standing what I assume is the entrance to the house. I look at my now bloodied clothes and realize in desperation that there was no way in hell they would even let me in, let alone talk to Jung Woosung. I turn on my heels and began to walk away. Just as I started to contemplate how fucked up my life is, a voice called out to me.

 “Hey you there! Who are you?”

_Shit._

I slowly turn around to face the woman who had apparently just stepped of the car I failed to hear pull behind me. Her stern face made it difficult for me to speak to her. She didn’t necessarily look mean she just looked like a hard to fool kind of women. I look down to the ground as she walks up to me.

“I asked who you are. Why are you here?” After I fail to answer her a second time, she gently lifts my head and asks if I can speak. I nod in response and she offers me a smile before she looks down at my clothes in shock. The woman takes a step back and asks if I’m hurt and this time a shake my head no.

“Why on earth are you covered in blood?” she asks and I feel myself trembling. I had never been a good liar and I had no idea what to tell her. Surely I couldn’t tell her that I had just murdered a man and left his body in the woods and yet the confession found its way through my stuttering lips. I stopped, eyes widening in shock.

What the hell had I just done? She was definitely going to call the cops now and I’ll be arrested for murder. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate.

“Wait, slow down sweetie. Breathe. Tell me from the beginning. Someone tried to harm you?”

Taking a few deep breaths as instructed and tried my best to slow my racing heart. I nod my head again at her question, not quit trusting myself to speak.

“Okay, someone tried to hurt you. And then what happened?”

I finished telling her about how Kiseop had a knife and how I stabbed him once I got it from him before I drove away. Technically I’m not lying; I just chose not to give her the entire story. Not yet at least. I still wasn’t sure if she was going to have me arrested or not so I kept silent.

“Are you sure he was dead” I answer that I’m pretty sure he was and she turns to talk to one of the men standing at the car. When had they gotten out?

“Go check and see if there is a body. Clean it up and get rid of this car.” After giving her commands she turns to me and ushers me through the gate leading up to the house “let’s get you cleaned up and we’ll talk more inside, okay?”

I don’t know why she did it but I was grateful that this woman had helped me one step closer to meeting Jung Woosung. I don’t know who she is but I hope my father is as kind as this woman.  What if he wasn’t? What if he kicked me right back out or worse? As if reading my mind she answers my unasked question and I feel my stomach drop as we walk into the mansion.

“My name is Jung Jisook and this is my home. Don’t worry; you can stay here for as long as you need to. I’ll speak with my husband when he gets back from his trip.”

Jung? Husband? So this was the woman my mother often spoke enviously of. The woman my father chose over the two of us. I spent my life hating this woman yet here she is, taking me in after helping me cover a murder for whatever reason. I wasn’t sure how to feel about this situation and I could feel my head throbbing so I decided not to question it.

 I would eventually ask why she had trusted me so easily and why she had decided to open up her home to me. For now though, I would just be thankful that after the night I've suffered through I was finally laying in a large comfortable bed. Sleep found me quickly after Miss Jisook kissed my forehead and told me that everything would be alright.

Oh how I wished this serenity would last. But of course,

_happiness never does._


	4. Waking up the ghost

Hongbing Pov

4/15/2013

Fml. Fuck my life. FUCK my fucking life.

This has been the only thought running through my head since 9 p.m. When Hakyeon and I arrived at work earlier that day everything had been going better than usual.  There were no people with ridiculous complaints, no one was  loud or obnoxious , and my tips for the day were a bit higher than normal. Like I said, everything was going splendid; until of course, 9 . That was the time in which the calm dinner crowd rolled out and the rowdy party crowd stumbled in.

I could already tell this would be the night from hell when my first set of customers entered the bar as I was wiping off the counter. It was a group of girls I have to deal with every weekend.  Every. Fucking. Weekend. They are one of the groups of people I hated the most. Spoiled, rich girls with entirely too much make up and not enough clothing with the illusion that the world revolved around them. They seem to think that with enough flirting, their bills would miraculously vanish, and when flirting didn’t work they resorted to whining. The drunker they got, the more high pitched their whining became. They had to be fucking suffering from delusions of grandeur because they really thought they ran the world.  I suppress a shudder as one of the girl call out my name in that voice I so despised.

“Hooonnngggbin~aah. Im so happy you’re on tonight. I was just beginning to miss you.”  One of the girls said as I turn around to greet them. She leans far enough over the counter for her breast to be poking halfway out of her shirt, if you could call _that_ a shirt. I feign a smile as the girl, Yoona if I recall correctly, continues flirting. Hyuk eyes me from across the room with a sympathetic smile and walk over to us.

“Hello ladies,” he smiles, “you’re here awfully early.” Hyuk is a tall, slender kid with a baby face and a boyish smile. He had the ability of making older women swoon over his adorable-ness. When I first started working here, Hyuk was quite shy and easily embarrassed. Now, his innocence is nothing more than a façade that got him everywhere with the pervy noonas.

“Yeah! That’s because it’s Krystal’s 21st birthday!!!” Yoona all but screeched as she pulled a pretty red haired girl from behind her. “How about some free birthday shots?”

When Hyuk doesn’t respond we all look over at him. He’s staring at Krystal with his mouth open and a slightly dazed look on his face. I hide a smirk as I clear my throat to bring him back to reality and he sputters before agreeing to Yoona’s proposal. Hyuk lets out a sheepish laugh as he ushers the women to a table away from the bar. I shake my head and laugh, positive that he has no idea what he just got himself into. I set to work filling the shot glasses with expensive liquors I could never dream of tasting.

After that, the bar, slowly but surely, starts filling up with people again as the DJ begins spinning upbeat dance songs and remixes of popular songs.  About an hour and half had gone past since I’d seen Hyuk leave with the girls and luckily I hadn’t had any more obnoxious girls hitting on me. I alternated between filling drink orders and have conversations with the people who chose to sit at the bar. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so bad after all. I allowed myself to finally relax and try to enjoy my shift, dancing to the music from behind the bar.

I spot Hakyeon walking out of the doors leading from the kitchen and making his way over to the bar. He looks absolutely exhausted and his once white shirt is covered in various spills and stains. When he reaches the bar, he sits heavily on the stool.

“I am so freaking tired!!” he complains as I hand him a bottle of water. “My feet are killing me and I burned my hand.” Hakyeon pouts and I can’t help but laugh.

“I know the feeling.” I agree after he shoots a glare at me.

“At least you had some kind of break. I've been working non-stop since we got here.  I swear if it wasn’t for Wonshik, I would have passed out by now. How’s it going out here?”

“Yoona and her group were the first people in here after we opened back up. Apparently it’s her sister’s birthday. Hyuk took a liking to her so they sucked him into buying shots for them all night. I haven’t seen him since. Other than that it’s been pretty calm especially for a Saturday night.” Hakyeon grunts and shakes his head-

“There goes his entire check. Those girls drink more than most of the guys that come in here. Poor Hyukie.” I nod in agreement.

We continue our conversation until Wonshik comes from the kitchen looking for Hakyeon. Lucky for them the kitchen closes long before the bar does, although they sometimes hang around until I get off. I leave them alone to check on the other patrons at the bar. I refill a few drinks and glance around the club. The dance floor is packed with people all moving together to the beat of the music. The bright lasers and strobe lights make them look as if they are moving in slow motion.

Sometimes I wish I could go out and party like them again, fueled on a lethal combination of drugs, alcohol and lust. As much as I try to forget the life I left behind, the want for it almost gets me at times. I feel it the most usually after the nightmares, like the dreams remind my body that it’s no longer receiving the substances it used to crave in order to forget everything.

I shake my head to rid the thoughts from my mind. Nothing good will come of thinking too hard about it. I had made a promise to not only myself, but to Hakyeon as well. I would never go back down that path; I owed him that much for saving my life.  

I busy myself by wiping the counter drying a few glasses. I make my way around the bar collecting tabs and filling more orders before I notice a man sitting alone at the bar. He is sat far away from any of the people lining the bar and is staring at the mass of bodies with a scowl on his face. I’m not sure how long he’s been sitting there but I notice he doesn’t have a drink in front of him so I put on a smile and make my way over to him.

“Can I get you anything?” He looks over his shoulder at me seemingly startled. He says nothing but he continues to stare at me with wide eyes before he looks down and turns around faces the bar. He picks up a drink menu and I take in the man appearance. His pale skin contrasts nicely against the jet black hair he has pulled up in a half ponytail at the back of his head. The light catches the two studs pierced through his ear as his sharp cat like eyes roam over the menu and his sculpted eyebrows bunch at the center of his forehead. I allow my eyes to travel to his collar bones that are visible through the cut of the black beater and the unbuttoned matching jacket. His slender fingers are adorned with silver bands and I watch mesmerized as they flip through the menu in apparent frustration.

“If I may,” I speak up, and when his dark eyes land on mine I feel my mouth go dry. I swallow and begin speaking again “Why don’t you tell me what kind of drinks you like and I’ll make something especially for you” I say offering him a smile. He places the menu back in its holder and nods his head. My eyes are automatically drawn to his full lips as he speaks. His voice is so soft, I strain to hear him over the heavy bass resounding through the club. I lean forward and ask him to repeat himself. He does, and when I pull back I could swear his face is slightly tinted pink. I set out to make him a drink. Coffee, coffee, what can I make with coffee? I decide on a Dublin iced coffee.  As I make his drink, I try to make small talk with him.

“Is this your first time here?” he nods and I continue, “Yeah, I figured as much. You don’t look very comfortable. What brings you here, if you don’t mind me asking?”

He hesitates before he answers, consciously speaking a bit louder, “I had a meeting.”

I finish his drink and slid it over to him. He takes a sip and then another. I ask if he likes it and yet again, he answers with a nod. As much as I would have loved to stay and chat with this handsome stranger, other customers come stumbling to the bar once the song ended looking for more drinks. I excuse myself and go on about doing my job.

Once everyone has their alcoholic beverage I walk to the other side of the bar where Hakyeon and Wonshik are still lounging. Wonshik is leaned over whispering something into Hakyeon’s ear as the later giggles and hit him softly on the chest. I clear my throat and laugh as they jump apart.

“I am ever so sorry for interrupting,” I laugh sarcastically as N tries to hide his flustered face and Wonshik sends me a death glare “ I was wondering if either of you knew who the guy at the end of the bar is.” They both take a glance down to where I left the man sitting still sipping on his drink. N says he doesn’t know him and Ravi looks at us both in shock.

“How can you not know who that is? His name is Jung Taekwoon.” He tells us shaking his head. When neither of us recognizes the name, he sighs and explains who Jung Taekwoon is. “He owns this place as well as our sister hotels and restaurants. The previous owner passed away about a year ago and his son took over. That’s him, Jung Taekwoon”

Hakyeon and I both nod in understanding. “I wonder why he didn’t tell me that. I asked if it was his first time here and he said yes.” Ravi shrugs his shoulders

“I don’t know but from what I've heard, he’s quite strange and not very friendly, like at all. I mean look at him, what kind of person just sits there glaring at everyone.” I laugh and I had to agree that he didn’t look like a kind person right now but in the brief conversation I had with him, he didn’t seem mean. Shy maybe but not mean. When I voice this, Wonshik shrugs again and says he’d rather not find out so he and Hakyeon would be taking their leave. N protest that they should stay until the club ended so we could walk together but I shoo him off.  It wasn’t until I promised to call him as soon as I left did Hakyeon let himself be lead away. I steal one last glance at Taekwoon before I hear some asshole snapping his fingers at me.

Aside from the whiny drunk rich girls, there is one group of people that make me regret ever stepping foot inside of this fucking bar. Those are the jerky entitled douche wads that walk in here thinking that they own the place. More often than not they have a large group of people with them mostly made up of idiotic girls and even bigger jerks. By the time groups like these come in, they are already half past drunk yet they still have no idea what they want. Either that or they order so many drinks they get confused and restart their order several times, slurring and demanding that I get everything right. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they have the nerve to come to the bar snapping their fingers at me as if I’m their personal servant. I take a deep breath and look at the clock. I only have about an hour and a half until we close so I decide to let his rude behavior slide. It’s almost clock out time Hongbin, you got this. I keep repeating this until I turn around to address my newest customers.

The moment our eyes connect I feel my mind go blank and my eyes start to water. It seems as if the sound inside of the bar was suddenly muted. The only thing I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears.  The man surprised face relaxes in that very smirk that still makes my heart clench uncomfortably.

“Hello love,” he smiles. I can’t seem to force my body to move, to speak, to do anything. After all the things I swore I’d do and say if I ever had the misfortune of running into him again, I couldn’t.

“You are just as beautiful as I remember. You look good Hongbin-ah, better than the last time I saw you. I’ve missed you.” I know his words are bullshit; yet I find my face burning at the bittersweet complement. I force my feet to move as I walk away from Ken and his group of friends. I try my best to ignore him when he follows me to the other side of the bar.

“Come on babe. Talk to me.” He pouts taunting me “You can’t still be mad at me right? It’s been what three years?” He reaches across the bar and grabs my hand. Something in me snaps.

“Actually it’s been four and don’t you fucking touch me. Am I still mad? What kind of fucking question is that Jaehwan? You left me to die after you tricked me into a life I never asked you for! I loved you!” I can feel my heart pounding furiously and my hands starting to shake when he stands there just smiling, “Fuck off Jaehwan.”

“Sorry hun no can do. Although I don’t get to stop in very often, this happens to be my favorite spot” he tells me pulling out a VIP pass card from our restaurant. “It would be a shame if your manager knew you were kicking out a VIP member. We wouldn’t want you to lose your job and end up back on the streets now would we?”  The anger in me doubles at the threat, and I tear my gaze away from his hoping for some type of distraction to keep me from throttling him. It was then that I notice Taekwoon staring unblinkingly at Jaehwan and I. We hold eye contact before he gets up and walks out after throwing some money down on the counter. I glance back at Ken before I walk down to collect the cup and the money that the man had left behind praying that he hadn’t hear our confrontation. I really couldn’t afford to lose this job.

I ask Ken what he and his party were drinking and after he places his order, I don’t see him again. Even after he has disappeared into the crowd of people with a smirk still on his lips, my body is still trembling. My hands are shaking so bad, I end spilling most of a drink on top of the counter as well as shattering a shot glass that seemed to have jumped from my hand.

I nearly cry when Hyuk reappears asking if I was alright. I wasn’t and I needed to get out of there asap; yet I couldn’t form the words over the sobs that were stuck in my throat. Luckily he didn’t need much more because he was telling me he’d cover the rest of the night.

After that everything seemed to blur together as the next thing I knew, I was walking down the sidewalk a block away from the club. Only then did I realize I was damn near hyperventilating as well as walking in the wrong direction to my house. I stop and crouch down to the ground to try to regulate my breathing. There are people walking past giving me odd stares but I can’t bring myself to care.

 

I continue ignoring the people walking past until I notice a pair of black boots standing in front of me. When I look up my lip automatically curls into a snarl.

“Seriously? Did you follow me? What the hell do you want?” I scream, standing to meet Ken’s eyes.  I seriously can’t deal with him right now. I don’t like the thoughts that a swirling around in my head.

I’m terrified.

Jaehwan is a drug more potent than anything other, his high stronger than any trip. The thrill that I searched for was all that he was and all that I ever needed. My body responds to him without my permission as if it knows that all that I wanted, needed, was him. Like smoke, he clung to me and like a habit, I couldn’t shake him.

Finally, I found and escape in the form of Hakyeon. He helped me pick up the scattered pieces of myself after Jaehwan had broken me. Yet still, standing in front of me was the devil himself and I couldn’t find the will to run away.

Jaehwan doesn’t say anything as he walks forward, backing me up again the wall behind me. I want him to go away, to stop looking at me with that gaze that lured me in all those years ago. He reaches a hand up and strokes the side of my face as he pins my body between his own and the building. There was always something about Ken that I could never resist and I thought after everything I had been through with him, Id have grown accustomed to the spell he seems to have over me. When he leans down and whispers in my ear, I know am fucked

“You’re trembling baby.” He noses along the hair tucked behind my ear as he continues talking, “I know I was a dick to you and for that, I apologize. I also know that no matter how pissed you think you are at me, you still want me. Let’s not play these games Hongbin. I want you; you want me, so come on baby. Let’s go.”

The panic attack I had fought off comes back full force when Ken starts running his hand down my face to my neck until his hand settles on my side. My breathing picks back up when his hand ventures under my shirt to scratch lightly at the small of my back.

“You are gonna pass out love. I have something that will help you calm down” he says before reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out a little baggie. My mind goes blank and everything in my screams to take it. I want it, I need it and judging by the look and Ken’s face he knows it too. I close my eyes to block everything out.

_Don’t do this Hongbin. You’ve come too far. It’s okay. Just walk away. It’s a trap and you know it. You’ve been clean for so long, don’t allow yourself to go down this path again. What if you can’t find yourself out this time? What about Hakyeon_?

I fight desperately to remind myself of why I shouldn’t take the little baggie that’s being offered to me but the only thing I can’t think of is this shitty day. As if the nightmare wasn’t enough to start my day with, why did Jaehwan have to show up? Now of all times, why? I open my eyes to see him still holding the drugs that my body desired. My hand moves to reach for the bag and the last thing I think before I take it is

_fuck my life._


	5. Invaded by you

Leo pov

4/15/2013

I had learned at a very young age that love was not something that truly existed. It was simply an illusion that people often found themselves trapped in. Infatuation, affection, and desire are all things that come to pass eventually.  These types of emotion that people associate with love are all pointless. I never understood why people chase after something that leaves you feeling desperate and helpless when it falls apart. It’s idiotic. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be fooled into falling in love; yet I still found myself storming over to where Hongbin was standing with that guy. As I neared them I asked myself how the hell I ended up falling for this stranger with the prettiest smile I’d ever seen. I thought back to the first time I had seen him.

_Flashback: February_

_I had to meet with the manager of one of the restaurants my father had passed on to me when he died. Since this was the more upscale area that brought in wealthier customers, we were putting together a Valentine’s Day special event. I needed to help plan out the menus and such with the manager. When I arrived I sat in the very back where I could see around the entire restaurant. I was busy jotting down notes when a waiter came and asked if I needed anything. I ordered an orange juice still looking at the pad of paper I was writing on. When he returned with my beverage he asked if I needed anything else, I shook my head no. He told me his name was Hongbin and to call on him if I needed anything. I finally looked up when he was walking away. I took in his slim figure, long legs and wavy hair tied at the nape of his neck.  Once the manager made his way over to me Hongbin was long gone from my mind._

_After our meeting was over I bumped into Hongbin at the door as he was leaving at the end of his shift. He apologized and held the door open for me to walk through.  It was probably this moment that fucked me over, that dimpled smile that drew me in. His smile faltered when I made no move to walk out of the restaurant and continued staring at him. I snapped out of my gawking and rushed to my car._

_Once inside I placed my hand on my chest.  Why was my heart beating so fast? I had seen plenty of attractive people but none of them ever had this effect on me. I watched him as he walked down the street with his hand stuffed in his oversized hoodie.  His pace was brisk, probably hoping to hurry out of the chilly weather of early February. I watched him until I could no longer see him and only then did I allow myself to drive away from the restaurant._

_When I made it home that night, I found myself thinking back to our brief encounter. His deep voice didn’t match his pretty face just as his dimpled, carefree smile didn’t match the sadness in his eyes. I could tell there were many painful memories stored behind those eyes, a feeling I knew all too well. I closed my eyes and all I could see was his face. Something twisted uncomfortably in my stomach and I fought to shake him from my mind. When I found myself sitting on the restaurant’s parking lot the next day I knew shaking him wouldn’t be as easy as I thought._

It started out innocently enough. I would sit in the car and watch him leave the restaurant until I couldn’t see him anymore. This was good enough; I only needed to see his beautiful face. This went on for a few weeks before watching walk to the end of the street wasn’t enough anymore. I began trailing him on his walk home where he apparently lived with a shorter red haired male. I didn’t like that. Soon enough, just seeing him wasn’t enough either. I longed to hear his voice again.

That’s how I found myself visiting my restaurant daily for the past few months. I would always sit far away enough for him to not notice me but close enough to hear him speak, to see him smile, to watch him move from table to table. I was content with this, though there were times I longed for something more. The days when he came in looking exhausted I wanted nothing more than to ask him if he’s okay, if he needed to go home and rest. Of course I couldn’t do that, wouldn’t do that. The only thing I allowed myself to do was watch him. Watching him wouldn’t hurt me.

What started out as mild curiosity, turned into infatuation and I wanted to get to know everything I could possibly learn about him without ever having to talk to him. It wasn’t very hard to gather information about him. After a bit of researching I found out how hard my Hongbin’s life had been.

At the age of ten his mother passed away and a few months later he was in and out of hospitals. The pictures showed me he was just as beautiful back then, even coved in bruises as he was. The file stated that it was speculated the he was being abuse by his father but there was never enough to prove it. When he turned sixteen he had been arrested for stealing food from a market but had been released when the market owner found out he was homeless. At the age of seventeen he was arrested a few more times for suspected prostitution and public intoxication and spent a few days locked up. He was check into the hospital for an overdose and enrolled in a rehabilitation program by Cha Hakyeon. Oh, that must be the red head he’s living with. I later learned that Hakyeon was also employed at my restaurant. 

Once I’m done reading the files I burn them. None of this information is on his record anymore, all changed to lesser charges and some removed completely but my source was able to unlock it at the cost of a pretty penny. It was worth the amount of money I spent to be able to get to know Hongbin a little more. Honestly speaking we aren’t that different, our backgrounds similar.  Feeling a little bit closer to him, I planned to finally talk to him. I checked his schedule and saw that he is working the party crowd next week. I would finally talk to him.

**Present**

The day I had planned to talk to Hongbin had finally come. I arrived early in the day to watch him as I usually did and he seemed to be in a good mood today. He was smiling a bit more than usual as he went from table to table giving nothing but the best customer service. I noticed the couple that had just left hadn’t left him a tip. Frowning I move to leave a tip from him in their place. When he returns to the table, his eyes light up as he counts the money I had left on the table. That smile encouraged me to do this at a few more tables. I stayed watching him until the restaurant closed to prepare for the night crowd. I felt the nervousness settle in the pit of my stomach like a rock.

Once the doors opened, I couldn’t bring myself to go in just yet. I decided not to dwell on why I was so nervous. I would go in when there were more people in the club that way I could watch him without him catching me before I was ready to talk to him. I sat in my car wondering what I would even say to him. I could hear the music pumping from inside and decided I had waited long enough. It was now or never.

Crowds had never been my thing and this was no different. I hated the bodies that rubbed against me as I fought my way to the bar where my Hongbin would be all night. I found a seat far away from everyone else where I could watch him uninterrupted. He was on the other side of the bar talking to the red head. The two stand there laughing and talking until a blonde walks over to them. I watch as Hongbin walks away to help a few people that had come up to the bar. He was wearing dark blue skinny jeans that accentuated his long legs as he walked back and forth. I nearly fell out of my seat when he starts moving his hips the music playing through the club. I turn faced the crowd hoping to find a distraction.

I never quite understood what it was about this that people enjoyed.  Sweaty strangers touching and groping whoever was closest to them, running on alcohol and God know what else. I was so lost in my thoughts; I didn’t hear Hongbin approaching me until his deep voice rang loud and clear in my ear.

“Can I get you anything?” he asks and I look over my shoulder to his smiling face and I feel my heartbeat accelerate. This was the moment I had been waiting for, my chance to talk to him yet I couldn’t force my mouth to form any words. I take a deep breath and grab a menu from its holder on the counter top.

_Say something. Anything!_ I continue scolding myself mentally before I hear my sweet angel speaking to me again “If I may. Why don’t you tell me what kind of drinks you like and I’ll make something especially for you” I look up from the menu and into those deep eyes and nod my head. I tell him the first thing I can think of and he steps back begins making my drink. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I come up with up with a single thing to say to him?

 “Is this your first time here?”

I nod and he continues, “yeah, I figured as much. You don’t look very comfortable. What brings you here, if you don’t mind me asking?”  Panic sets in when I realize I didn’t know how to answer him. I couldn’t very well tell him I was here because I had been watching him and decided to finally talk to him tonight. I settle for mumbling a vague excuse as he slides my drink over to me.

I take a sip and bite down a moan as the sweet tastes swirl over my tongue. I don’t know if the drink itself was as wonderful as it seemed or if it was just the fact that Hongbin had made it just for me. Either way I was positive that this was the best drink I’ve ever had. I wanted to tell him this when he asks if I liked it but all I could do is nod. I watched in disappointment as he walked away to service the other people at the bar.

My eyes follow him as he makes his way over to Hakyeon. I look away and try to appear normal when I see them look my way. I wonder what he’s saying about me. I don’t have much time to dwell on it when the red head stands up and heads to the door with the blondie in tow. I don’t know much about Hakyeon but he seems to be really close to my Hongbin. Maybe I should do a little digging on him as well. I make a mental note to do just that as soon as I leave the bar. For now though, the only thing I’m concerned with is Hongbin.

I look back to the bar in search for my beloved. I spot him talking to a man dressed in a bright red jacket. I can’t see his face but by the look on Hongbin’s face, this was someone he knew. Someone he was surprised to see. I strain to hear what they’re saying over the music to no avail. I watch as Hongbin blushes and walks away from the group of people with the stranger following. Something coils in the pit of my stomach when he reaches over to grab Hongbin’s hand. I get a sense of mild satisfaction when he slaps his hand away. That is until Hongbin’s words reach my ears

“I loved you!” he practically screams and my entire body fills with jealousy and rage. I never considered that fact that Hongbin may have a boyfriend. Of course someone as beautiful is him couldn’t possibly be single. I wouldn’t sit here and watch the lovers’ quarrel anymore for fear that I may get up bash this stranger’s skull in. Hongbin and I make eye contact right before I pull out my wallet to pay for the drink. My hands are shaking with the effort it's taking me to just pay and leave. I throw the money down and storm out of the club with every intention of going home and forgetting about the boy that had nearly shook me. Once inside of my car, I sit still willing myself to calm down.

**_What did you expect?_ **

I close my eyes desperately trying to block out that voice. Nothing good ever happened when that voice comes to talk to me. It cackles and I shudder,

  ** _You couldn’t have possibly thought anything could happen between you two. We’ve been through this Taekwoon-ah. Love isn’t real. It only causes pain._**

That was right. Love kills you in the end. I was temporarily distracted by a pretty smile and that was it. I really wanted believe that; yet when I saw Hongbin waking out of the club in the opposite direction he usually took I couldn’t stop myself from following him. I told myself it was just out of curiosity which intensified when I noticed the guy from the bar following a distance behind him.  I stop the car a bit up the street from where Hongbin had stopped and I get out before I realize what I’m doing. I walk close enough to see them clearly but not enough to be noticed.

I make no move to get closer when I see the man in the red jacket stop in front of Hongbin. I can hear now that Hongbin is crying and yelling at the man but I can’t make out exactly what he’s saying. I settle for just watching them until the man pins Hongbin against the wall. He makes no move to push him off and it was then I realize I had made a mistake following them. I was just about to turn around and head by to my car when the stranger pulls something from his jacket and holds it out for Hongbin to take. I can’t make out exactly what it is but it looks a clear baggie with something white inside of it. It’s only when Hongbin reaches up with a shaking hand do I click all the pieces together and before I know it I’m storming up to the pair.

I grabbed the hand that had just reached with more force than necessary. Hongbin looks at me with blank yet wild eyes and I stare back. I hear the man screaming and asking who the hell I am but I ignore him and pull Hongbin in the direction of my car, he follows me in a dazed sort of way. I open the door and place him in the seat before I strap him in. Before I close his door, I snatch the baggie out of his hand. I make my way over to where the man is still standing looking as pissed as I felt.  He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off before he can utter a word,

“Stay the fuck away from him.” He looks shocked momentarily but quickly smirks at me in response. I grip the bag in my hand swallowing the urge to rip that fucking smile right off of his face.

“What do you care? He’s just a whore anyway, no need to be so serious.” He laughs and I grab him by his collar before sliding my hand to his neck. The smile drops from his lips when I apply pressure to his throat.

 “If you ever come near him again,” I threaten squeezing his windpipe even more, “I will kill you. Do you understand?” I smile at the way he struggles to swallow past the weight of my palm his hands coming up to pry my hands off of him. It’s useless and we both know it, panic sets in and his eyes grow wide in fear.

“ye- yes” he wheezes out “I got it, I got it.” My smile grows wider and I loosen my hold just a bit as I lift my other hand to show him the baggie with two circular pills inside of it. I pry his mouth open with my fingers easily enough and dump both pills in. I tell him to swallow and he hesitates before I feel his adam’s apple moving under my hand. I left him go and he slumps down to the ground. Sending one last glare at him I make my way back to Hongbin.

I slide into the driver’s seat and look over at him; he is staring blankly at his lap with tears still streaming down his beautiful face. I had made up my mind right then and there.

 Hongbin is mine.

I will protect him for as long as my heart is beating.

 

 

**AN:** Hello all!! I hope you all enjoyed this update. Yay for creeper Leo!  As always comments and constructive criticism are loved and appreciated ^-^*


	6. Let me know

Hongbin’s Pov

_The process of drowning starts with a struggle; a fight to keep from being pulled under the waves crashing around you, then panic when the water finally drags you down.  Even after you are fully submerged, your body still thrashes as your hands reach to the surface hoping to grasp something to pull you out. You realize that you will more than likely drown to death yet you still hold your breath for as long as you can manage. The agony of running out of oxygen only terrifies you more. Your lungs force you to take in a breath and the pain is unimaginable; as if there are flames scorching through your body. You cough in an attempt to rid yourself of the water flowing through your lungs but it’s useless. The pain fades quickly and your body stills, floating gently underwater as you continue ingesting water.  Before you lose consciousness a sort of calmness washes over you. Tranquility. You are no longer frightened. The only sound you hear is the water around you lulling you into a peaceful sleep._

 

I feel as if I am floating in the middle of the ocean with only darkness surrounding me. My body is heavy and my mind is blank.  I can vaguely make out someone calling my name and for a moment I wonder if I’m having another nightmare. I know it’s not because the euphoric feeling hadn’t gone away; still pulsing through my body. The voice that calls me is soft; its tone is calming, coaxing me to relax even more and my world goes completely still and silent.

 

When I open my eyes I take in the familiar ceiling. It has a water stain from when our pipes were leaking last winter. I must be on the couch in the living room. I sit up rubbing the sleep from my eyes as the remnants of the dream lingered in my mind. Whose voice had called to me so sweetly? Before I could think over it any longer, Hakyeon steps from the kitchen. He immediately stops and his eyes go wide as he looks at me. I open my mouth to ask him what’s wrong but before I could utter a sound Hakyeon rushed over to me pulling me into a bone crushing hug.

“Oh my God! You’re awake. You scared the hell out of me. I thought something was really wrong with you especially when Taekwoon came knocking on the door with you passed out in his arms. Hongbin what the hell happened to you?” He rushes out and it takes my mind a moment to process what he’s saying.

“Taekwoon brought me home? How did I end up with him? The last thing I remember is-” Suddenly flashes of Jaehwan invade my mind, us standing in an alleyway and him offering me drugs. “Taekwoon saved me from Ken.”

I can see Hakyeon’s face etched with confusion and worry at the mention of Jaehwan. I explain to him what happened after he and Wonshik left the club. His face contorts into disgust and then anger when I tell him about the drugs. When he asks if I took the, I couldn’t answer. Had I taken the pills that Ken offered to me? That would certainly explain the dream I just awakened from. That voice I heard in my dream was the same soft voice Taekwoon had spoken to me with at the bar.

“I didn’t get a chance to take them. I think that’s when Taekwoon got there. He just popped up out of nowhere and the last thing I remember is him dragging me away from Ken. I guess I passed out after that.” Hakyeon looks relieved at the news. He says he’s grateful that Taekwoon was there when he was or else I’d be in trouble. He informed me that Taekwoon had advised me to stay home for the next few days. I brushed it off and promised Hakyeon I was fine. “I was just a little shook up after seeing Jaehwan again after so long.”

He nods but I can tell he isn’t one hundred percent convinced but it was the truth. I had faltered but thanks to a handsome stranger’s help I had made it out unscathed. I make my way to the back of the house to get myself ready for bed. I take my toothbrush from the holder with thoughts of Taekwoon swarming my head.  I wonder why he was there in the first place, was it just a coincidence? Why had he stopped to help me? What happened to Ken after he pulled me away from him? How did he know where I live? The sudden thought made me stop. I don’t remember telling him my address, I don’t really remember anything after he sat me in his car. I laugh as I remember that he owns the place where I’m employed. It wouldn’t take much more than a phone call to pull an employee’s address. He must have called up to the restaurant after I fainted. I’d be sure to thank him the next time I saw him.

The following day I expected Hakyeon to hover over me more than usual, constantly asking if I’m alright. I knew that Wonshik was probably still with Hakyeon when I arrived so I expected plethora of questions he fired at me when we took our break together. I even expected the concerned glances Hyuk kept sending me as the day wore on. I knew I owed him some type of explanation of what had happened last night so I settled for a half truth. “My ex-boyfriend came here and I guess I kinda overreacted.”

A look of understanding replaced his face of worry and he went on about the rest of his day smiling and joking with me as usual.

What I didn’t expect, however, was my savior himself walking through the entrance of the restaurant. I rush to the kitchen area and watch as he seats himself in my section. While I was thankful that he was there to save me, I was completely mortified. I couldn’t explain why I was embarrassed but I’m sure it had something to do with the fact that my insanely hot boss had caught my accepting drugs from a man in an alley. What if someone called and told him I came into work and he’s here to fire me? Panic began to set in just as Hakyeon walk up behind me.

“What are we looking at?” he asks and I point over to where Taekwoon in sitting stone faced. I voice my concerns to Hakyeon who laughs and brushes them off

“Sweetheart you didn’t see him when he dropped you off.  He looked distraught when he told me he had been trying to wake you up but couldn’t. After he placed you on the couch he stood over you, lingering even after I told him I would take care of you. It was quite adorable honestly.”

I shoot him an incredulous look and turn back to watch Taekwoon. I nearly fall over when he looks up and we make eye contact. He sits up a littler straighter and offers me a slight smile and I return is as best as I could muster.

“Hongbin, go and talk to him. I’m telling you, he isn’t here to fire you. He’s probably here to check on you,” Hakyeon starts with a gentle smile of his own. “Maybe this is a good thing. Besides, you need and boyfriend, and to get laid.”

Before I could respond to his statement, he was pushing me from behind the wall over to Taekwoon’s direction.  I sucked in a breath hoping like hell N was right. As I make my way over to him I take in his appearance today. He’s wearing a black and white striped sweater and black slacks. His hair is hanging loosely framing his face. His smile broadens when I stop at the table he’s sitting at.

“Hello Hongbin.” He looks so different from the angry looking guy from the club last night. He looks so gentle and sweet the nervousness rolling around in my stomach disappeared. I found myself wearing a smile that matched his “Hi.”

Taekwoon tells me that he is glad to see that I’m alright though he wishes I would have taken the day off. I thank him for both saving me last night and coming to check on me today. “There is no need to thank me Hongbin. From now on I’ll be here whenever you need me”

I am taken aback by the sincerity in his voice and I can’t help but ask him why “You don’t even know me. Why would you be there for a complete stranger?”

His smile falters and I’m afraid I may have offended him. Maybe I should have just said thank you and left it at that. When Taekwoon doesn’t say anything I open my mouth to apologize but he beats me to it.

“Maybe we should change that.” The confusion must have shown on my face so he continues speaking, leaning in closer to me “Let’s get to know each other, shall we? My name is Jung Taekwoon; I am 24 years old and I’m the CEO of Amara Co.”

He holds out his hand for me to shake and I laugh at the extremely formal introduction. I take his hand and introduce myself as well, “My name is Lee Hongbin; I’m 21 years old and I work in one of your restaurants.”

He laughs as well never letting go of my hand. We stare into each other’s eyes. In his eyes, I saw no judgement for what had happened the night before. I saw warmth and I felt like I could stare into them forever. We are brought back to reality when someone calls for my attention.  I tell him I have to get back to work. He slowly nods and tells me that he has to go as well. Before he leaves he asks a question that would stay with me for the rest of the day, “Would you like to have a date with me Hongbin-shii?”


	7. A date.. or something like it

Hakyeon’s pov

5-8-13

My eyes dart around the restaurant, searching. I hide smirk as Taekwoon walks through the door right on schedule. This has been going on for about 3 weeks now. Taekwoon only comes here on the days that Hongbin works and always right after he comes back from his break.   3…2…1.. Hongbin walks from the back of the restaurant into the main room, re-tying his apron. He and Taekwoon make eye contact and share a smile. I watch as Hongbin goes to the back again before reappearing with a coffee and orange juice. He walks over to Taekwoon’s table, sitting the drinks down with a smile and brief hello.

I shake my head and continue clearing the table of the group of people who had just left. I didn’t understand the two of them. Taekwoon comes every day, yet the two of them barley talk the entire time Hongbin is working. He stays in that same spot just watching Hongbin with a gentle smile until we close for the night; only leaving after he tells Hongbin goodnight and that he’ll be back the next day.

As we walk home for work that night I wondered aloud why Taekwoon hadn’t asked Hongbin out yet. It was clear to everyone he was coming to see Hongbin.  I stopped in my tracks however when Hongbin confirmed that he had in fact asked him out.

“When? Why didn’t you tell me?” I questioned accusingly, and he laughs and shrugs his shoulders.

“There was nothing to tell hyung. There is no way I’m going on a date with him. He’s our boss.” I could tell by the look spreading across his face that that wasn’t the only reason Hongbin was hesitating. Through the years that Hongbin and I have been together, he’s only tried dating a handful of times. Every encounter ended with him swearing to never date again. It is hard for Hongbin to open up to people and when he finally did; the guys left him broken.

I know he’s lonely though. I see the looks he gives Wonshik and I when he thinks we’re not looking. I recognize the look of sadness and longing on his face when couples come in to the restaurant. Hongbin used to talk about falling in love and starting a family of his own. His eyes would light up when he spoke of the life he would give his child; a life far different than the one he had. Those were the times where he looked genuinely happy; lost in his fantasy, I could help but want the same for him.

Taekwoon seemed like a really nice guy.  He looks a bit terrifying true enough, but when he looks at Hongbin something in his face changes. The sweet smiles that adorn his face whenever they make eye contact are enough to melt any one's heart. Even after being rejected, he still comes to steal glances at Hongbin. I’m afraid Hongbin may be missing an opportunity because of his fear of being left again. As we get ready for bed I come up with a plan to get Hongbin to go out with Taekwoon.

The next day I pull Wonshik to the side and give him a rundown of what I had planned for this weekend, “But you hate amusement parks. Besides, Hongbin said he doesn’t want to go on a date with him. Why are you forcing it?”

I send him a glare and explained that if I don’t help him Hongbin will stay single and lonely for the rest of his life. He still didn’t look convinced. “Also if he gets a boyfriend that will give us more time to be alone.”

I raise my eyebrow, trailing my fingers up his arm. A look of understanding crosses his face and that’s all it took for him to agree. Now that I had him on board, the last person to ask was Taekwoon. I wait for him to enter the restaurant and sit and his usual table before making my way over to him.

“Hello. Taekwoon, right?” I greet him hoping my smile didn’t show how uncomfortable I truly felt “We met a few weeks ago. I’m Hongbin’s roommate.”

He nods and shakes my hand in greeting. I can’t tell by the look on his face he’s trying to figure out why I’m talking to him so I get right to the point.

“You like Hongbin and I want to help you.” He immediately perks up and the mention on Hongbin and I can’t help but smile. I explain to him that Hongbin has had it pretty rough so it can be a bit hard for him to get close to people. “But don’t worry. I’m positive that he is interested in you as well. He just needs a little push to get back into dating. Meet us here tomorrow morning.”

I pull my note pad from the pocket of my apron and write down the name and address of the amusement park we would be at. He looks down at the paper and smiles up at me uttering a thank you. I remind him that Hongbin doesn’t know that I invited him so to just act normal. We finish our conversation just as Hongbin comes from the back with an orange juice in one hand and a coffee mug in the other.

Then entire ride was spent with Wonshik complaining about how early it was. I swear if it weren’t for Hongbin, I would have turned this car around by now; only being able to deal with his whining for so long.  Luckily, finally arriving at the amusement park seemed to shut him up. After parking the car Wonshik, Hongbin, and I make our way to the gates to pay for our tickets to enter. Once the gates open and we step inside, Hongbin stops in his tracks and turns to glare at me.

“Really hyung?” Before I can ask what I did I spot Taekwoon sitting on a bench eating a dippin dots cup. His gaze lands on up and he stands up and I feign innocence, “Oh look Taekwoon is here.”

Hongbin rolls his eyes and I wave him over and he approaches us slowly. He bows in greeting to us and Hongbin speaks back but still looks pissy at being tricked, arms folded across his chest. “I can’t believe you Hakyeon.”

Just as I was about to replies, Taekwoon speaks up, “I’m sorry. It was my idea. I just really wanted to hang out with you outside of the restaurant, I asked Hakyeon to drag you here. I will leave if you truly wish to not see me”

Hongbin’s arms slowly drop and his face softens and I smirk internally. He tells Taekwoon not to worry about it. “Lets just get on some rides.”

And just like that, our day was spent walking around the park, getting on roller coasters. We walked past a shooting booth with a large stuffed lion as one of the prizes and Hongbin and I decide to play for it. After failing horribly, Hongbin quits with a pout.

“Would you like for me to win it for you?” Leo asks and Hongbin blushes as he waves his hands frantically. “Oh no no no. you don’t have to do that”

Wordlessly Taekwoon pays the man at the booth and picks up the gun, effortlessly shooting each of the moving targets.  When the game ends he picks out the lion and hangs it to Hongbin whose smile is nearly blinding as he thanks Taekwoon. I see his cheeks tinted a faint pink but decide not to mention it.

“You’re a pretty good shot.” Wonshik tells Taekwoon as we sit down to eat the food we had bought from one of the vending carts. He thanks him with a shy smile and tells us he used to go paint balling with his father often. “That sounds fun. We should do that next.”

“I’m down”

“Me too”

“I’m not” we all turn to Hongbin and ask why. He reminds us of the failed shooting game he’d just attempted. Taekwoon smiles and pats his head. “Don’t worry you can be on a team with me. You’ll be safe with me, I’ll protect you.”

I bite back a smile again as Hongbin look pleasantly surprised and agrees. We leave the amusement park and Taekwoon tells us to follow him to the paintball arena and asks Hongbin if we wanted to ride with him. I knew my plan had worked when bit his lip, smiling as he accepted Taekwoon’s proposal.

 


	8. Not wont, Can't

Leo’s Pov.

The car ride had been more awkward than I had anticipated; neither of us knowing what to say. I glance over at him sitting in the passenger’s seat clutching the stuffed animal I had won for him. He catches my stare and gives an uncomfortable smile.

As excited as I had been spending time with Hongbin outside of work, I hadn’t given much thought to the possibility that he didn’t feel the same. Guilt settled in the pit of my stomach and I swallowed before apologizing once more. “I really am sorry for deceiving you today.”

 I began and he looks at me with an unreadable expression, “I just really wanted to spend some time with you and I didn’t know of another way to get you to do that without you feeling pressured since you said you don’t date. I know you and Hakyeon are best friends so I thought maybe if there were more people you wouldn’t feel like it was a date and I just-”

“It’s fine. Really.” My rambling was cut short by Hongbin’s beautiful laughter. He tells me that I didn’t have to cover up for Hakyeon as the other was an extreme busybody , “besides, I really enjoyed myself. I haven’t had that much fun in forever.”

A comfortable silences falls between us for the remainder of the ride. We arrive at the arena before I could think of anything else to say but Hongbin doesn’t seem to mind. As we suit up for the game, I keep my back turned to him. I couldn’t handle seeing what lies under his clothing; afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from touching him. I am brought out of my thoughts by Hongbin  apologizing for how bad at shooting he is and I reassure him ones again that we would definitely win as long as he stuck with me. True to my word, Hakyeon and Wonshik were left pouting as Hongbin and I celebrated our victory at the end of the game.

“Whatever, you guys cheated” Hakyeon stated and I couldn’t help but laugh at how childish he looked. I could see why Hongbin liked hanging out with them. I honestly couldn’t remember being around people for this long and actually enjoying their company. As we made our way back to the parking lot, I listened silently as Hongbin and Hakyeon bickered playfully back and forth. It was truly amazing seeing Hongbin like this, laughing freely and having fun. It was something I wished I could see daily.

Once we reached my car, I pulled the few belongings he had left out and handed them to him. I wasn’t ready to part ways with him yet. “I had I really good time hanging out with you today.”

“So did I. Maybe we could do it again sometime.” I felt excitement surge through my body at his words.

“Yes, yes. I’d like that.”

We exchange phone numbers and he gives me a hug before pulling back with a pretty blush dusting his cheeks. I watched him walk away; the warmth of his body pressed again mine was a feeling I never wanted to forget. I found myself not wanting to let him go. The thought stayed with me the entire ride home and that night I slept with images of him behind my eyelids.

5/30/2013

Over the past few weeks, I had gotten to learn quite a bit about Hongbin. I learned everything from trivial things such as his favorite color and food, to the things that truly pissed him off. He told me about the first concert he ever attended with his mother when he was seven. He spoke of his love for photography that he had gotten from his father. I gathered enough information from him to conclude that his childhood had been everything that mine was not. He had both parents that loved him unconditionally. He had the life I used to long for. I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to him that had flipped his life upside down. I drank in all the information he was willing to give me and waited patiently for the things he wasn’t ready to reveal.

I found myself opening up to Hongbin more than I had ever done with anyone else. There was something about him that pulled at my very being in ways I never thought was possible. It was no surprise when I felt myself fall deeper and deeper with every conversation between us. The feeling of desperation made itself know again. Although I still visited Hongbin frequently at the restaurant, it wasn’t enough. I needed to be close to him, to hear him laugh and to see him care free once more. Before long I had gotten him to agree to have a proper first date with me and I couldn’t be more ecstatic.

I take one last look at myself in the mirror before heading out the door. We hadn’t actually come up with a plan for where our date would take place and decided to wing it. The long drive to Hongbin’s house gave me plenty of time to think about all the places I could take him. I wanted to make it a memorable date and to show him the most extravagant things in the world just to have a glimpse of that breathtaking smile.

The only problem was my lack of dating experience. The nerves I had been swallowing down came back full force as I turned onto Hongbin’s street. The closest I had come to dating was dinners with my father and his business partners. Often they would bring their daughters offering marriage as a business proposal. My father always gave me the opportunity to decide rather or not to marry and I had always opted not to. It was never something I was interested in. But now with Hongbin, I wanted nothing more than to make this and enjoyable night.

 

The apprehension melted away as I knocked on the door and Hongbin opens it with a blinding smile. I take in his appearance and I feel my lips pull into a smirk.  His outfit was made up of a grey and navy striped shirt and a pair of white jeans. It never fails to amaze me how Hongbin can make such a simple outfit look as if it came straight from the pages of a magazine.

“Hey, I’ll be ready in a minute. Have a seat.”

I watch him walk to the back of the house until I can no longer see him. It was only then did I notice Hakyeon sitting on the couch watching me with a soft smile. My face blushes in embarrassment and I take a seat next to him.

“Nice to see you again Taekwoon-shii.” He greets and I nod in acknowledgement. He doesn’t try to make small talk and for that I am grateful. It wasn’t long before Hongbin came back and announced that he was ready to go.

Once we were both seated in the car, I realized I still hadn’t come up with a plan for the night. I had no fucking clue where people go for first dates. I tear my gaze away for the steering wheel when Hongbin clears his throat and a nervous chuckle bubbles past my lips. His expectant smile makes my hands sweat even more than they were and I wipe them against the fabric of my black jeans. As if sensing my hesitancies to say anything, Hongbin spoke up.

“I don’t know about you but I am starving.” He laughs trying to ease the tension building up between us. I rack my brain trying to think of the perfect restaurant to take him to and turn the key to start the car.

“I know a pretty good restaurant.” He smiles at my statement but this time it does nothing to lessen the butterflies fluttering in the pit of my stomach.  I am starting to believe every car ride I have with Hongbin will be just as award as the first as we rode in relative silence; the radio only serving as background noise.

When we arrive at the restaurant I quickly make my way around to Hongbin’s side to open the door for him. We make our way inside and the hostess seat us, handing us menus and walking away. I follow Hongbin’s eyes as they roam around the restaurant trying to gage his impression. His eyes finally land on me and he breathes out in astonishment.

“Wow. This place is beautiful.”

I had decided to take him the restaurant my father used to bring me to. I try not to grimace at the thought as Hongbin starts speaking again. “If I would have known we were coming somewhere this fancy I would have dressed up more.”

“You look beautiful. You always do.” I’m not sure what possessed me to say it but the way Hongbin blushed all the way up to the tips of his ears made it worth the brief embarrassment I felt at being so bold. I watched in amusement as he sputters before stuttering out a thank you. It was then that I felt any traces of nerves bleed from my body. This is what I had been looking forward to for months. Conversation flowed easily between us after that and I had found that I rather liked the way Hongbin blushed every time I complemented him.

 

“So, if you weren’t so busy running your company what would you be doing?” Hongbin had decided that we should play 20 questions while we waited for our food. We were way past the 20th mark by the time we finished our meal. I thought about his question and answered with the first thing I could think of.

“I’d probably do something working with animals.”

“Really? You don’t really look like the animal type.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his shocked expression. I was fully aware of the way people thought of me. I had hear plenty of people whispering about how cold I seemed to be but the truth is I have always had a soft spot of animal of all kinds. Hongbin pouted and told me that he had wanted a pet for a while but couldn’t have one because Hakyeon is terrified of everything.

“I volunteer at a shelter when I have free time. I could take you, if you’d like.”

 

The short trip to the animal shelter was anything but awkward. I had to admit, I was pretty excited to be going back. I had been so preoccupied with Hongbin; I hadn’t had time to visit in a few months. The ride was filled Hongbin’s excited voice telling me about a dog he had when his was little. The dog had runaway while Hongbin was at school and he had come home to his mother telling him the bad news.

 “I cried for a week straight after that. I had had him since I was a baby; I grew up with him so I couldn’t wrap my eight year old mind around why he would run away. I thought it meant he didn’t love me anymore so to save myself for heart ache I turned down ever pet my parents offered to buy me after that. The closest thing Hakyeon will let me get to having one is the lion you won for me at the amusement park. ”

He clutched at his chest dramatically and I couldn’t help but laugh. I had never had a pet. Living with my mother I hadn’t had the money for one and living with my father didn’t leave me with time to take care of one. “I named him Leo.”

I am brought out of my thoughts by Hongbin speaking again. He picks up on my confusion and laughs. “I said, I named the lion Leo. You kinda look like him. From now on I’ll call you Leo hyung. Okay?”

I find myself agreeing at the childish glint in his eye as he speaks. _Leo_ ; that was a name I never thought I’d hear again. It reminded me of my father in the last few months we had spent together. He had given up calling me by my birth name insisting that Leo suited me better.

Once we arrive at the animal shelter, Hongbin was having a hard time containing his excitement and I felt my lips curve into a smile. If I was being perfectly honest I too could hardly wait to get inside. We walked through the main entrance where a familiar face greeted me. The little grey cat had arrived at the shelter the same day I had come in looking to volunteer and we had bonded instantly. She paws at my leg, meowing for me to carry her with me to the back where the play room was located for visitors to play with the animals that lived here.

Almost an hour later found us sitting in the middle of the play room surrounded by various puppies and kittens and such and I could feel myself falling for Hongbin. Watching him coddle and coo at the puppy on his lap showed me a side to him that I had never seen. A warmer, gentler side that had me envisioning him holding our child instead of the puppy. My heart thumps at the thought of raising a family with him and I realized just how much I wanted that. I imagined how wonderful it would be to take his hand in marriage and to have little carbon copies of us running around, to grow old together and die blissfully in each other’s arms. I had known that I was falling for him but it was only then that I realized that I was in love with him. I felt my face pulling into a smile and the urge to voice my new revelation nearly allowing the words to slip from my lips. “You look happy holding him. You look like your holding a baby.”

While it hadn’t been what I intended to say my words had Hongbin looking up at me with a warm smile adorning his face. He told me about how much he loved kids even though he wasn’t around them much.

“I’ve always wanted a child of my own, a little girl with dimples just like mine. I’d keep her dressed in little dresses and bows and she’d have everything that she ever wanted.  She’d be spoiled rotten not just from me but Hakyeon as well.” His eyes had gone a bit glassy as he lost himself in his fantasy but by the end of his smile had faltered and he looked down at the puppy with sadness shinning through his eyes, “Oh well.”

He shrugs and before I could ask why ‘oh well’ he was turning to me with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes and suggested that we take the puppies for a walk. We decided to take them to the park that was in walking distance of the shelter.

As we walked along the trail I couldn’t help but think about Hongbin’s words and expression when talking about his wish for a family. He seemed as though he had given up on the idea of a family and the thought pained me. I could give him everything he wanted if he gave me a chance but evertime the topic of dating came up Hongbin would shut down and brush it off with fake laughs and topic changes. I was determined to make him mine but I had no idea where to start. I found myself asking the first question that popped into my head, “Why are you so against dating?”

I could see my question had caught him off guard when he stopped walking and looked at me with wide eyes. Once he regained his composer, he tried to laugh it off as he always does but my expression never changed. I needed to know why he was so dead set against it “I know you feel a connection to me and it was never a secret how I feel about you. Why won’t you let me in Hongbin why won’t you let me love you?”

He remains silent and walks ahead to a nearby bench and when he sits, he doesn’t look up at me choosing to study the ground instead. The minutes ticked by and i made no move to sit next to him sensing he needed space to gather his thoughts. I wonder if being so forward was a bad idea before quickly dismissing the thought. There was something between us, we both felt it in the conversations we had, the looks we shared so I couldn’t understand why he was desperately keeping me at arm’s length. My question was answered when Hongbin spoke up

“Not everyone is meant to be loved Leo hyung. There are people so damaged, so dirty so…” he bit his lip as he searched for the right word, “.. broken, that no amount of time can put them back together.”

“I could if you let me. Tell me you don’t feel the same way about me. That your heart doesn’t speed up every time you see me. That you don’t check your phone waiting for a text constantly and when one finally comes through you can fight the smile that stays etched on your face all day after. Tell me you don’t love me. ”

The words leave my mouth before I have a chance to think about it and it was the truth. There was nothing that Hongbin could say that would ever changes the way I felt about him. I was tired of telling myself that I didn’t love him when everything in my body felt otherwise. I was in love with him from the moment I saw him. He shakes his head finally looking up at me through teary eyes.

“Taekwoon-ah, you wouldn’t understand. There are things about me that you don’t know. Things that send people running as soon as they find out. It’s true; I like you so much I’m afraid that I’m falling in love with you.”

“Then love me Hongbin.”

“I CAN’T”

His outburst was followed by tears and I was momentarily stunned. I took in a deep breath before sitting next to him and asking why he couldn’t love me. The answer I received was what I had been expecting. Since I couldn’t tell him that I already knew and loved him anway, I sat quietly listening to Hongbin confess his past life to me.

“My mom died when I was ten. Up until that point, my life had been perfect but when she left, everything changed. My father, wasn’t that father that I had grown up with. He wasn’t the same man that had taken me out to show me how to take beautiful photographs. He wasn;t the same man that used to tuck me him with a kiss and an I love you.”

 “He became someone that sent me to bed with a bruised body and a confused mind. I didn’t understand how he had changed so dramatically after mom died. I thought he blamed me for her death and that’s why he would come into my room and beat me until I couldn’t move. It wasn’t until a few years had gone past that I learned that my father had IED*. My mother had been the only person able to handle his outbursts and help him calm down. It took him six long years before he decided to go and get treatment. Him leaving didn’t leave me with many options. It was around that time that I met Jaehwan or Ken. That’s the guy from the alley that you saved me from. He found me and took me in for a while and before I knew it I was a drug dealing prostitute with an addiction. It doesn’t hurt the way it used it because I've accepted that I’m not one of those people that deserve to fall in love. We have lived two very different lives, ones that allowed you to become a CEO of a company and me a waiter in your restaurant. Leo hyung, you deserve someone so much better than I could ever be.”

He looks at me with a bitter smile and I feel my heart break at his expression. Though I had already known about his past, hearing the story from his mouth stirred something inside of me; it wasn’t the urge to run as he feared I would. Instead I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and began tell Hongbin a story of my own once he had calmed down.

“My mother was addict. I only have vague memories of her being clean when I was very young, back when she treated me like her son and not the bastard that I actually am. Her habit got so bad that she sold me to her dealers until she kicked me out when I was nineteen.” Had the situation not been as serious as it was, I would have laughed at the shocked expression on his face.

 “Bastard? I thought your father owed the company and passed it on to you when he died?”

I had known the question was coming yet I still felt my body began to tremble as I thought about the five years I spent with the man and woman who had showed me what having parents felt like. I had never shared this story with anybody and was sure I would take it to the grave without ever uttering a word of it anyone. That fact that I was even considering telling Hongbin proved to me just how hard I had fallen for him...

  
_***** * **IED **:**  Intermittent explosive disorder involves repeated, sudden episodes of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation. Road rage, domestic abuse, throwing or breaking objects, or other temper tantrums may be signs of intermittent explosive disorder.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who have bookmarked, and sent kudos!!  
> ^-^*


	9. Dead memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback chapter that takes place where chapter 3 left off.

The sunlight seeps through the curtains and warms my face as it gently pulls me from my sleep. I lay still on the soft mattress and fluffy blankets cocooning me in their warmth. I wasn’t ready to face the day yet, to face the reality of the events that took place last night. After Mrs. Jung had tucked me in and shut the door I found myself afraid to close my eyes. I was afraid that the face of the man that I had murdered would haunt me in my slumber. Surprisingly, I had slept better than I had in years and knew deep down I should have felt more guilt about killing someone. Deciding not to dwell too hard on it, I shift my thoughts to the woman that had taken me in without a second thought. I knew when I saw her today she’d more than likely want to know everything that occurred last night. I had no idea where I would begin and the dread of being kicked out again found its way back into my mind. I am brought out of my thoughts by a knock on the door. I force myself to sit up as Mrs. Jung peeks into the room.

“Oh, you’re already awake.” She comes in with a smile on her face and some clothing in her hands. I watch as she lays them on the bed along with some toiletries. “I threw your old clothes out; I figured you wouldn’t really miss them. I hope these will do for now. I wasn’t really sure what style of clothes you like so I just picked out a few plain shirts and pair of jeans. I’ll take you shopping later today but for now go get washed up and come downstairs, breakfast is almost ready.”

She pats me on the shoulder before leaving and I can only sit there and blink at the articles of clothing she had left behind. I couldn’t fathom why she was being so nice to me but I was thankful that she hadn’t bombarded me with questions yet. Surely this would all end when I told her who I was and how I had ended up at her house. I let out a sigh before finally getting up and making my way to the adjoined bathroom.

After my shower I apprehensively make my way down the steps into the spacious living room. Based on the outside, I knew the house would be huge but nothing could prepare me for how extravagant it truly was. The long blood red drapes hanging from the floor to ceiling windows were pulled open allowing the morning sun to illuminate the room. The pure white furniture was placed around a  glass table that reflected the crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling above it. The only color in the room came from the decorative pillows that matched the curtains, and the large picture perched above the fireplace. It was a portrait of Mrs. Jung and the man who I assumed was my father. Never having seen him before, I was amazed at how much my face resembled his. From the pudginess of our cheeks, to the long bride of our nose, I looked exactly like my father except for the shape of my eyes that I had inherited from my mother.

I allow my eyes to scan over some of the smaller pictures placed on the fireplace. Most of them were photos of my father standing with various men and women dressed in expensive looking clothing. All of them were taken in front of numerous buildings I had never seen nor heard of. I couldn’t help but notice there were no pictures of them with children; did they not have any?  My heart nearly jumps out of my chest when Mrs. Jung speaks from behind me, “These are some of the restaurants and hotels that we own. This one is my absolute favorite.”

She reaches past me and picks up one of the picture I had been looking at. A soft smile graces her lips and she places the photo back into its spot. She turns to me and ushers me into the dining room that is just as beautiful as the living room had been. There were various maids and workers bustling around, filling the table with delicious looking food. My stomach growls loudly in anticipation and I hang my head in embarrassment feeling the blush heating up my face. Mrs. Jung only laughs and she tells me to sit. “I don’t know what food you like so I just had them cook a little of everything. There’s lots of things that I need to learn about you. How about we get to know each other more after breakfast, hm?”

She smiles and my stomach drops and the thought of her getting to know me. I try to shake the paranoia for a moment to enjoy what may have been my last hot meal for a while. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was until I started eating. As I ate, it accrued to me that I hadn’t had a chance to eat at all yesterday. The day before had brought a big gruff man that had left me in pain and barely able to move; I wanted nothing more than to sleep the day away. I had managed to sleep a significant portion of the day before I remembered that I had to get groceries before my mother got ahold to the money that he had left behind. By the time I had dragged myself to the grocery store and back home, she was there with another one of those men and well,

“What’s your name dear?” Mrs. Jung breaks me out of my train of thought as if sensing the depressing direction it was headed in. I swallow the food in my mouth and answer her question feeling the anxiety build, figuring that this is where the questions start. She nods and tells me she has to make a call but to notify one of the maids when I was done so we can go shopping.

My stomach clenches with nervousness and my appetite suddenly leaves me; still I make no move to get up from the table. This was it and I couldn’t have felt more unprepared. Not only would I have to reveal everything that I had endured with my mother that led to me being kicked out, but I would have to tell her that I was the illegitimate child produced from an affair that I doubt she knew her husband was having. As if selling my body wouldn’t be enough to disgust her I am positive that last bit would definitely be enough for her hate me. I was startled at the fact that being put out was no longer my only fear. Being hated by my mother was something I had become accustomed to; being shown the amount of kindness I had been by this woman was something I didn’t want to give up.

**_You couldn’t have possibly thought you’d have it that easy. You aren’t worthy of being loved. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be._ **

My breath comes out in sort pants and I numbly realize I’m having another panic attack. That voice, that fucking voice. I hadn’t heard it since I left Kiseop’s body in the woods last night. That thought alone brought on a new wave of anxiety and my vision begins blurring around the edges before it all just,    stops.

 It’s as if the cloud of smoke engulfing me was instantly blown away and it took a moment for me to realize Mrs. Jung was standing next to me with her hand placed on my shoulder. Her smile falls a fraction and her eyebrows rise in confusion.

“Did you hear me?” She asks and I slowly shake my head. Her smile returns and she tells me the car is waiting for us if I was done eating. If she notices my body shaking as I stand from the chair she says nothing about it and she leads me out the door and to the car waiting for us.

The car ride is silent and I stare out the window watching the trees and buildings mesh together in a blur. In the reflection of the window I see Mrs. Jung staring at me but I can’t force myself to turn and look at her. I can’t make out the expression on her face but the fact that she is quietly staring at me is unnerving. I wipe my sweaty palms on the fabric of my jeans and dare a glance in her direction before looking back down at my lap. She lets out a sound that sounds like mix between a scoff and a giggle. “I’m not going to bite Taekwoon-shi. Relax.”

I try my best to do as she says and relax the muscles in my body but it’s futile as I sit rigidly against the leather seats. This time she lets out a full on laugh leaning over holding her stomach. I guess the confusion showed on my face because when she looks up at me again, another fit of laughter takes over her as she tries to speak though her giggles. I feel myself relaxing a bit when she reaches over placing one of her hands over the one I had resting on my thigh; her other hand covering her mouth before moving to her chest.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry sweetheart. I don’t mean to laugh at you,” she says wiping the tears from her eyes a few chuckles still slipping past her lips. “You just look so terrified it’s adorable. You look just like you father did on out first date.”

The small smile that had found its way to my face as she laughed was replaced with something she found equally hilarious. “That!”

She exclaims pointing at my horror stricken face. “That is the exact face he makes when he’s startled. I thought you two looked alike before but right then, you were nearly identical.”

She reaches up and cups my cheek, her laughter finally fading away as her eyes roam over my face. She brushes my hair back from my face and continues to stare as I try to form a coherent sentence. Everything I had planned to say to her flew out of the window and now my mind is blank. I ask the only question I could think of at the moment “You know who I am?”

She slowly nods as she removes her hand from my face. She makes no move to answer me in further detail and my mind is running a mile a minute. I don’t know if I should tell her everything now or if I should try to make excuses. She saves me from doing either when she speaks up again,

“You’re father and I have been married a very long time now. It wasn’t hard to tell, you look just like your father. I know you must have a lot of questions and I promise to answer all of them. For now though, just understand that I am not angry with you, I do not hate you, nor will I put you out. I invited you into my home knowing full well who you were. You don’t think I’d just help anybody in your.... _predicament,_ do you? As soon as I saw your terrified face, I knew you were his son.”

I am left speechless, unable to comprehend this situation. I search her face for any signs that she was lying but I knew I’d find none. This all seem entirely too good to be true and I could help but ask why. Why would she accept me so freely and why was she okay after finding out her husband had cheated on her with the proof sitting right in front of her? She bites her lip and tells me it’s complicated but promises to tell me everything after we were done shopping.

I hadn’t even realized that we had made it to the mall, still trying to wrap my mind around everything. I followed her out of the car and into the large building where she dragged me around for hours telling me to pick out everything I wanted. Im not sure when the apprehension in my body left but before I knew it I found myself enjoying the tome we spent walking around the mall. I learned very quickly that Mrs. Jung was quite bubbly but not overly so. It was nearly impossible to keep the smile from my face during our _bonding time_ as she had called it. She asked me questions about myself and offered information about herself in return. I was thankful that she had purposely steered clear of questions that were too serious. By the end of our shopping trip I felt more comfortable with her than I had imagined was possible and by the time we were back at the house putting up the mountain of things we had purchased from the store, I felt like I was ready to get everything out in the open.

“I suppose I should answer your questions now,” She begins speaking as if reading my mind once again. I can tell whatever she had been putting off discussing wasn’t an easy topic for her but I needed to know. The woman sitting in front of me didn’t seem like the woman my mother had spoken of. If anything my father was the one deserving of all the hatred my mother had buried inside of her. The woman was so kind, and sweet; nothing like the evil and vindictive woman my mother had painted her to be. My father must have been the biggest asshole to have this woman waiting at home while he played with my mother before leaving her and coming home as if nothing happened. I felt bad for my mother as well as Mrs. Jung and I was no longer excited to meet Jung Woosung.

“I suppose I should start from the beginning. Your father loves me very much.” I couldn’t help but snort at her words. If he loved her how were we sitting here having this conversation? She smiled before sitting next to me on the bed, “I don’t know what ideas you have about your father but I assure you, they’re wrong. Your father and I love each other very much, at least we do now. Initially that wasn’t the case. At the time that we met, my father’s business had taken off more than we could have ever imagined. What started out as a small snack shop later turned into a full blown restaurant. We weren’t famous or anything but we had made quite the name for ourselves and since it was just my father and I running it we were taken by surprise that the chairman of Amara was interested in becoming business partners. He was a regular at our restaurant and was looking to expand his business of hotels and resorts to include food as well. Having fallen in love with our little restaurant he offered my father more than he could ever dream of and he accepted with one condition. He wanted to make sure that if something were to happen to him. I wouldn’t be left with nothing. Mr. Jung seemed more than happy to offer me a place in Amara as his new daughter in law.”

“Initially I wasn’t too thrilled at the thought of marrying someone that I didn’t know but the joy that seemed to be radiating from my father made me agree to meet with the heir of the company we would be merging with. When I finally met him, he was nothing like I expected. I had heard rumors that Mr. Jung had be unsuccessful at getting his son to show any interest in marriage so naturally I expected someone cold, someone that would turn me away without fully acknowledging me. What I didn’t expect was the shy, awkward young man sitting nervously next to me in the car as we headed to our first ‘date’. It was adorable how he tried to hide the way his hands were shaking by constantly whipping them on his pants and how he couldn’t seem to sit still longer than two seconds. The entire dinner was filled with us stealing glances at each other as our fathers talked, neither of us brave enough to start a conversation. It wasn’t until the evening grew into night; well after our parents had had one too many celebratory drinks did your father utter his first words to me. After the few drinks I had accepted from Mr. Jung I found myself giggling at my father’s drunken state. I could feel him staring at me and when I turned to look at him he told me how beautiful my smile was.”

She seemed to lose herself in the memory of the beginning of her and my fathers’ meeting. The soft smile adorning her face spoke of the love she truly felt for him. It was only then did I realize how beautiful she was. I suppose being so afraid of being caught I hadn’t allowed myself to really look at her. She looked nothing like the monster I had always imagined her to be instead she looked kind and nurturing. She looked like… a mother, soft, kind and sweet; the complete opposite of what my mother looked like.  I allowed her to reminisce over how they became friends with the silent agreement not to acknowledge their marriage looming at the end of the year.

“Over time I found myself starting to fall in love with him. I started looking forward to our wedding and I could feel that he had developed feelings for me as well so I didn’t understand why he would shut down whenever the topic came up. A few months before we were set to be married I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I told him that I knew he loved me because I could feel it in the way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, the way he was when he was with me. I could also feel that there was something holding him back. He told me about a woman that he was in love with but couldn’t marry.”

My stomach clenched uncomfortable at her words and I knew that was talking about my mother. My parents had met when my mother started working for the Jung family. She was hired as a tutor for the Jung’s son, Woosung, since they were around the same age. The two had started dating and had managed to keep their relationship a secret until after he completed his studies. When he finally told Mr. Jung about the two of them, he was less than pleased. As the heir to a company, he was expected to marry someone in a certain class or at least someone that could benefit the company. Although he wouldn’t allow them to marry he would give them permission to date as long as when the time came he would marry whomever he chose for him.

“She was alright with it for a while and because I loved him so was I but I could see it was tearing your father apart. I even offered to allow him to continue seeing her after we were married, to keep our relationship strictly business. Although it hurt to know I had to share him, I reminded myself that we only met as a business extension and for a year things were going smoothly. It got complicated when your mother found out she was pregnant with you. We had been able to hide it from Mr. Jung but we had no choice but to tell him as she got further along and as you could probably imagine he was pissed. It didn’t matter to your father, he loved her and he loved you so there was nothing anyone could say to change his mind about bringing the two of you into the house and taking her as his wife. I understood his desires but it wasn’t that easy. Legally we we’re married and by contract divorcing meant severing ties with the restaurant that Amara have fully invested in. It was probably then that she started to hate us. He still stood by her side, he went crazy buying things for you and spoiling her with everything she wanted. As much as he tried to be there during the pregnancy and for a while after you were born, it wasn’t enough for her. One day she took you and she vanished without a word. The only thing she left him was a photo. After that you father searched and search until he found her a few years later. When he arrived at her apartment he knew he shouldn’t have been expecting a warm embrace from her but the hatred he received still bothers him till this day. She told how much she despised him and how he had ruined her life.  How much she hated him for leaving her a single mother with a bastard child. She swore that he would never see you again. He tried so hard to reach you and wanted to be a part of your life so bad, he sent gifts, money, none of it mattered. She disappeared again and this time he was unable to find you. He suffered from major depression after that and things only worsened when we found out that I am unable to conceive. It took me years to build him back up and you have no idea how much that photo of you has helped him.”

By now there are tears streaming down her face but I make no move to wipe them away. I feel numb with all the information that was just revealed to me. All my life I had assumed my father was just some rich asshole that knocked up a young girl and ditched her when he found out. I had assumed that he abandoned us before I was even born. The story was much more complicated than I could have ever dreamed and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. He had wanted me. He knew of me and he wanted me. My mother had lied to me my whole life. She made me feel like everything was my fault when it was her that had run away. Even after everything we had been through together, I never hated her but in this moment I truly did. She was the reason we were living in a shitty little roach infested apartment, she was the reason I felt unworthy of being loved and the reason I hated myself. I could feel myself getting angry and as if she could too, Mrs. Jung pulled me out of my thoughts “Would you like you see the picture?”

Not quite sure how to form words at the moment, I simple nod my head. She walks out of the room briefly before reappearing with an old worn photograph. It was a picture of my parents, both young and smiling brightly. I couldn’t remember what my mother looked like before the drugs and I was amazed at the woman in the photo. She looked warm and carefree. I could see in her eyes the happiness that I was unfamiliar with. Sliding my eyes across the picture I take in my father’s face and once again I am surprised at how much I look like him, our resemblance even more prominent now looking at a younger version of him. Lastly I look down at the little baby bundled up sleeping peacefully. I had never seen myself as a baby. My mother was sure to tell me about how she got rid of everything that reminded her of him, including any photos of me as a infant and the feeling that came over me was one I couldn’t explain. I flip the picture over hoping to hold back the tears filling my eyes. With blurred vision I read the shot caption written on the back and I allow my tears to fall freely.

_My little Leo, I love you_ _♥_


	10. Armor down

The days slowly progressed to weeks and my father still hadn’t made it back from his trip. I couldn’t find it in myself to be too upset instead using this time to get closer to my new mother. I had always imagined what having a real mother would feel like but that illusion paled in comparison to how it really was. Mrs. Jung took me to places that I had only dreamed of going. I was introduced to food that I never thought I’d get to tastes and quickly discovered Mrs. Jung and I had mutual love of eating. When we weren’t out eating, exploring, and hanging out, we spent time together talking.

 There was nothing that I couldn’t confide in Mrs. Jung and most of our conversations were about my fears and insecurities about meeting my father. They had kept in contact and he seemed excited to finally see me again but every time she would ask if I was ready to speak with him I would quickly shake my head and run out of the room.

Ready or not, the day had finally come where he and I would be in the same room since I was a newborn. He had called earlier to let us know he was boarding the plane and he would be home in a few hours. I was restless, pacing through the house unable to sit still for too long. After the first two hours of this Mrs. Jung finally sits me down on the couch

“Sweetheart, relax. We’ve been over this; you have nothing to worry about. Your father is just as excited and nervous to see you as you are. Everything will be fine.” As always it only took a few words of comfort before I found myself relaxing my seat next to her. Time moved quickly after that and it wasn’t long before I heard the front door open and close and I quickly stand.

It took only a minute before he walked into the room eyes landing on me before his gaze shifts to his wife who walks over to him. I watch silently as they embrace, the two of the seemingly lost in each other for a moment, before his eyes find mine once again. Mrs. Jung looks over to me and slightly nods her head beckoning me to come over the where they are standing. My hands only shake slightly as I stop in front of him and bow.

“Hello, my name is Jung Taekwoon. My mother’s name is Han Seo Hee and she gave me this address. I'm…. I guess im..” I cringe as my voice comes out weak breaks before I could finish my sentence. It doesn’t seem to faze him much because before I can comprehend what’s happening he closes the distance between us wrapping his arms around me “My son, my son, you’ve returned to me.”

It was only after he began speaking did I noticed the wetness on my shoulder. I felt my eyes fill with tears as well as my father holds me close and continues to cry. All the nervousness I felt left as I brought my arms up to cling to him as I began crying as well. I didn’t exactly understand why I was crying but im sure it was mostly due to the nerves I had been trying to keep under control as well as the fear that despite what Mrs. Jung has told me, there may be a chance that Jung Woosung wouldn’t be happy to see me after all.

He pulls back from me and cups my cheek. He doesn’t speak but the look in his eyes tells me that everything Mrs. Jung had said was true. He had wanted me and had missed me; the fact that I was standing in front of him seemed surreal. After a few moments his face breaks into a wide smile and from there on out we were a family.

My father showed me a box of old toys and blankets he had kept over the years in hopes of being able to give them to me one day. Although I had out grown most of the gifts, they brought strange warmth within me. There were toys cars and books, clothing and blankets all the things I had pined for growing up were here tucked into a box in the back of a forgotten closet. Although I had heard the story from Mrs. Jang, my father explained the events that led up to our separation in more detail. He asked me to not only forgive him for not being able to stay in my life but to forgive my mother as well. I initially scoffed at the thought of forgiving her but as I learned, holding on to anger and hostility never ended well.

As that year progressed, my father began teaching about his business. If I was to inherit Amara there was a lot that I needed to learn and fast. I hadn’t understood why he was in such a rush for me to learn everything but it didn’t matter. I was spending time with him and doing something productive. For once in my life I didn’t feel worthless and every time he would praise me, my confidence grew stronger and stronger. For almost a year, everything was perfect. I had been working hard to memorize everything that my father gave me, my determination to make him proud pushing me along the way.

By the time I began actually working in my father’s office I had become accustomed to the whispers and rumors that floated around us. It wasn’t every day your boss brought in a son that no one had ever heard of as their successor. I didn’t mind much as long as my presence was pleasing to my father, they didn’t matter. Even still, I worked diligently to earn my place in the company and eventually the opposition stopped. Another thing I had become accustomed to was going home after work and spending time with my mother over dinner and sometimes a movie. I was able to enjoy feeling like I finally had a home, a family.

I also had unfortunately become accustomed to the bruises that decorated parts of my mother that she tried desperately to hide. I’d only asked about it once to which she promised wasn’t what I thought it was. I thought long and hard about my parents and realized that there was no way that the sweet kind and gentle man my father had proven to be could ever raise a hand to her. The love they had for each other was nearly tangible every time we were all together. Absolutely no way possible.

The year I turned twenty I realized it was becoming harder and harder to lie to myself. I never doubted that my father loved us but I knew there was something wrong with him when the bruise became harder for my mother to hide. Her smile had dimed and often time I would hear her cry when she thought she was alone. I had had enough when I came home one evening to the maids and workers huddled together by the door. It took less than a second for me to hear the sound of glass breaking and my mother begging my father to calm down. I dropped everything I was holding and ran into the living room just in time to see him push my mother into the ledge of the fireplace. I watch helplessly as she falls taking some of the pictures along the ledge down with her. Ager rushes through me and I was on my father quicker than either of us could comprehend. I raise my fist and it connects solidly with his cheek as I bring it down. My mother yelps and grabs my arm before I can take a swing at him again. “Taekwoon-ah, it’s okay I swear. I’m alright. This is just a misunderstanding.”

“How the hell is this a misunderstanding? For three years, I've ignored it. Every time I bring it up you tell me everything is fine. Clearly it isn’t.” I spit looking back over to where my father stood motionless. In that moment I had forgotten about the man that had shown me what it’s like to have a father; instead all I could see were the men who had used my body as a punching bag. I saw myself in my mother, helpless and weak.

He looks around the room as if he’s in a daze and my mother rushes over to him; she reaches her hand up and cups his face while whispering that everything was okay. When their eyes finally locks, my father looked lost, confused before his face crumpled up and large tears cascaded down his face in thick rivers.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Jisook-ah” he whimpers as he curls into her arms. My ager doesn’t dissipate but I am left confused as he continues to cry and ask her for help. She wraps her arms around him and rocks him back and forth as they sit in the middle of the destroyed room. I loved my father dearly but I couldn’t understand what was happening right now or why she was the one offering comfort when he was the one who had caused this. As if sensing my confusion she looks up at me, “Go upstairs for now, I’ll be up to explain everything in a little bit.”

I wasn’t exactly comfortable leaving her down there with him but I slowly make my way out of the room and up the steps. I waited in my room for what seemed like hours before my bedroom door creaked open. I glanced to the door expecting to find my mother but quickly stood upon seeing the haggard face of my father.

He stood in the doorway as if trying to decide rather or not to come all the way in or to tuck tail and hide. In the end he took in a deep shuddering breath and made his way into the room closing the door behind him.

“I am so sorry. My little Leo must have been so scared to see me like that.” I want to tell him scared wasn’t the correct word. Livid was pretty damn close. I was angry but most of all I didn’t understand how a man that loves his wife like nobody I had ever seen could do something like that. “Let me explain, please Taekwoon-ah.”

I heave a sigh and sit down on the plush bed waiting for him to do the same. Although I still cared for my father, there was nothing that he could tell me that would excuse his actions. There was no reason good enough that would make me understand. He stalls for a moment, never looking up from the stop on the floor he had been staring at.

“Sometimes, I have….meltdowns. I’ve suffered with them for as long as I can remember, little fits as my parents would call them. Initially they thought it was just me having tantrums or overacting because I could have my way. It wasn’t until I was sixteen did I finally have an answer as to what was happening to me; I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.”

Of all the excuses I had prepared myself to hear, that wasn’t one of them. I take a long look at my father as he falls silent again still refusing to look at me. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to react or if I was supposed to say anything at all so I decided to sit quietly as he tried to form his thoughts into words.

“My dad, being the ever proud man he was, decided that there was nothing wrong with me and that I didn’t need treatment. He opted instead to prepare me for the day I would have to take over the company for him. He didn’t understand that simply ignoring it wouldn’t make it go away. Once it starting getting worse, it was impossible for me to stay in school. That’s why he hired your mother to tutor me. Even still, things were the same. Somedays I would be completely fine, for weeks even and even when it would happen they were mild, small bouts of irritation. When the hard ones hit.. it was bad. It was like I couldn’t control it. All I knew was that I was angry and that I felt like I needed to run, to move to just do anything that would make that feeling stop.”

“It happened in front of Seo Hee once and I had never seen someone look at me the way she had. She looked at me like I was a monster and I was sure she would never come back. She only stayed gone for a week and when she came back she begged me to explain to her what was wrong with me. I knew my father would be furious but I didn’t care anymore. Everything was becoming too unbearable and having to deal with it alone was killing me. After I told her she promised to help me. She started taking me for treatment in secret. Finally I was able to live a normal life. I had begun working at the company while never exposing my illness to anyone. Till this day nobody knows but your mother and my wife. If the shareholders were to find out, Amara would be snatched from us without a second thought. I try my best to control it but nothing works. Now that I’ve become the chairman I don’t want the medication to cloud my judgment in the affairs of the company. I refuse to let this destroy everything my family has built but I hate it. I want it to stop; I see what it does to her when it starts. I never mean to hurt Jisook and it kills me every time the haze clears and I see the aftermath of what I've done.  That’s why I need you Taekwoon. Once you take over the company I’ll be able to focus of fully recovering knowing that Amara will be in safe hands.”

Finally, his eyes lift and determination shines in his bloodshot eyes. I felt dizzy at all of the information he had just told me and still a little more than confused but I knew he was telling me the truth. I knew because those feelings he spoke of were emotions I had encountered on more than a few occasions. I had never had a fit as bad as the one I had witnessed him having but I wondered briefly if I would become like him.  Shake the thought from my head because right now my father needs me. I would do anything I could to see my parents happy because over the past three years they had become my everything and there was nothing I wasn’t willing to do for them.

We took it a little at a time; I began helping him secretly start receiving treatment again. I wanted so desperately for things to go back to the way they were before I knew of my father’s illness. As he spent more time trying to recover, I spent more time at the company; soon enough I was running Amara in the place of my father while managing to keep the truth hidden.

 As for my father, treatment wasn’t going so well this time around. I could see it taking its toll on the both of them. I didn’t know what else I could do so for two more years I did everything he asked me too with the agreement that he wouldn’t give up on his treatment.

For two years he stuck with it, trying diligently to get better. He chooses not to speak to us about how the treatment was going but he hadn’t raised a hang to my mother again so we assumed it was going well. Mrs. Jung and I were both beginning to worry about how quiet and reserved my father had become. Neither of us knew what was happening and the only thing we could do was believe that everything would be okay.

Nothing was okay.

On my twenty-third birthday my father asked if we could go out and have a drink. My mother was pleased that his mood seemed good today but I could see something in his eyes that told me otherwise. I agreed and we set out to the place we had visited often before he began shutting us out. Once we were inside waiting for the food to come out we started on our first bottle for the night. I could tell that my father had something he wanted to talk about and judging by how fast the bottle of soju was emptied, it wasn’t anything pleasant. I waited patiently for whatever it was, engaging in his small talk as he stalled.

“I’m going crazy Leo-ah.” His speech was nearing slurred and his eyes were dancing across the room, never landing on anything for longer than a few seconds. My father had all but given up on calling my by birth name and I could bring myself to mind much. What caught me off guard was the amount of fear I heard in his voice.

“Its not working; the treatment, it isn’t helping. He’s too strong now. I can’t control him and I feel like I’m losing myself.” His grip around the bottle never loosens and I notice his hand shakes as he attempts to pour the liquid into the shot glass before giving up and drinking straight from the bottle, “He’s evil and he wants to hurt me. He used to only talk to me when I was stressed or something but now, now he wont shut up. He’s always there Leo he won’t leave me alone”

I started regretting letting him drink; he wasn’t making sense at all at this point and i wasn't sure if being drunk was helping. I had no idea who he was talking about and when I asked his answer made my blood run cold

“The voice. He used to talk to me when my father wouldn’t listen. He would tell me that I wasn’t crazy that all I had to do was trust him. Then something changed, he, he started telling me to do things, bad things. I tried to ignore him but then he wasn’t just a voice anymore Leo-ah, I could see him. I still see him and I try to fight him but he vanishes before I can get him.”

My father’s rambling becomes a dull murmur as I lose myself to my thoughts. The terror that I had felt when he first told me about his illness was back. I knew that voice all too well and while he had been silent recently he was always there, watching, waiting. For what exactly, I didn’t know but I could feel his presence with me. Looking at my father I could see how afraid he was and in turn I too was terrified. Would that happen to me? Would I lose my mind like my father? He looks at me and takes my hand into his own.

“I’m stepping down from my position. You have to take over the company now; you practically run in already. I’ll start the process tomorrow. I’m not sure how long it will take but I can’t hide this anymore. Leo-ah, I can’t do it.”

I nod and place my hand on his back as he finishes the rest of his soju. After I drive us home I make sure he gets to bed and I kiss my mother goodnight before making my way to my own room. I was fine. I wouldn’t become like him, I couldn’t. My father was depending on me to take care of Amara as well as my mother. I wasn’t sure what he was planning to do but I promised I would support him in any way he needed me too. I had assumed he was planning to admit himself into a hospital until they found a treatment that would actually work for him. After two months of him doing nothing I realized that wasn’t his plan at all.

 “He hasn’t come out of there in days” my mother looks at their bedroom door worriedly, “I don’t know what to do anymore. He barley eats, he won’t bathe. He barley talks to me and when he does he bounces from topic to topic so fast, I just can’t keep up Taekwoon-ah. I’m so scared. I don’t know how to help him anymore. He’s getting worse.”

I had already come to that conclusion but like her, I had no clue how to help him. He had begun refusing his medication deciding to stay barricaded in his room. I didn’t understand, I thought he wanted to get better but he seemed to be intent on letting his illness destroy him. Before I could respond the door slowly opens reviling my father standing there in his draping pajamas. He doesn’t spare a glance in my direction; only looking at her before he pulls her into his chest. He presses a kiss to the top of her head before murmuring an apology

“Don’t be afraid my love, I never met to make you worry. I promise everything will be okay. I called and made an appointment with Dr. Kwon in the morning to see about starting a new treatment. There has to be something to help me right?”

He finally looks over to me and I can see the fear in his eyes; his words of losing himself echoing in my head. I clasp my hand on his shoulder and give him a gentle squeeze. I wanted to tell him that it would all work out but I honestly didn’t know and while I had never admitted it, I was afraid for him too.

As if sensing what none of us wanted to admit he quickly clears his throat and pulls my mother back to gaze at her yet again, “how about we get out of here for a little while. I think we could both use some fresh air to clear our heads for a little bit; we can deal with this in the morning. The Christmas decorations should all be out by now, we can go look at the lights and maybe go ice skating.”

My mother’s face lights up at the thought of her and my father leaving the house together in what seemed like forever. He would come to the office occasionally to check on thing but that was it. He didn’t want to be seen, afraid that other people would sense something was wrong. She had been begging to get out and have fun the way they used to but her efforts went ignored, until today that is.

**_Back to present:_ **

“December 20th. He finally snapped. He was supposed to be taking her out for some fresh air to get away from everything that had been happening lately. When I heard knocking on the door close to midnight I knew in my gut that something had happened. Initially I thought he had flipped out in public and maybe got himself arrested upon seeing two police officers at the door. Nothing could prepare me for what had really happened to them.” I take in a breath to steady my nerves. I hadn’t had to think about what happened to my parents in a while and saying it out loud was harder than I had imagined.

“He drove their car off of the bridge and into the river. Witnesses say they were driving along just fine when all of a sudden the car just cut across two lanes of traffic before disappearing over the side of the bridge. When they pulled the car up they were both still inside buckled up in their seatbelts. The police couldn’t tell me what happened to cause the accident but I already knew. I just wish I could’ve stopped them from going that day.”

“It wasn’t your fault Taekwoon. There was nothing you could’ve done” Hongbin’s finger running under my eye pulls me out of my trance. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. Opening up to someone wasn’t something I’d ever done yet here I was baring my soul to him. I grab ahold of his hand and bring it to my lips where I place a soft kiss on the back of it.

“I know.” I tell him and I know it’s the truth. Even if I had managed to keep them from leaving the house that day, there was no telling when it would have happened. There was no way of saving my father from himself, I’m just sad that she had to go down with him. My eyes roam over Hongbin’s face and I promise myself that I would never hurt Hongbin the way my father hurt my mother. I would never become him.

“I’m sorry. The point in my telling you all of that was to show you that we aren’t so different. Every single person on this earth has something in their past that they’d rather forget. My life wasn’t exactly sunshine and rainbows. That doesn’t make us any less capable of being loved Hongbin; it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Let me prove to you how perfect you are for me. Just give me a chance Hongbin. Let me love you.”

He stares deep into both of my eyes and I wished I knew what he was thinking. For the longest time he doesn’t speak and neither do I; I was in no rush. He squeezes my hand still holding on to his “Thank you for sharing that with me Taekwoon. I know it couldn’t have been easy. I guess you’re right. Maybe you and I aren’t so different after all.”

We gather the dogs running around the park and head back to the shelter since it was well after dark. Neither of us speaks on the drive to his house but it was fine; I didn’t want Hongbin to feel pressured into giving me and answer. When we arrived at his house I get out of the car going around to the passenger door to let him out. I resist the urge to take his hand as I walk him up to his door.

“Thank you for today Leo hyung. I had a lot of fun and I can’t wait to do it again.” His smile is blinding and I find myself not ready to part ways with him just yet. He brings his hand up to scratch at the back of his neck suddenly looking nervous “As for the question you asked, I think I finally have an answer”

I wait patiently as he shifts from foot to foot, glancing around before he leans in and presses a soft kiss to my lips.  My body responds immediately and I pull his body close to mine as I kiss him back. I felt as if I had been waiting to kiss him my entire life and now that I had a taste of him I couldn’t get enough. The kiss didn’t last long enough in my opinion before he pulled back with a sweet smile. “Good night, Leo.”

I pulled him back for one last chaste kiss before driving myself back home. The euphoric feeling I had hadn’t left me until after I had showered and was preparing for bed. I walked slowly to the room down the hall from where my own was located and opened the door. Once inside, I stare at the large portrait of me and my parents. We had taken this photo before everything had gone bad.  After they had passed away, I had turned their bedroom into a place I would go when I needed comfort, lining the walls with various photos of us when we were happy.

“Mother, father, I think I’m in love.”

**^-^***


End file.
